Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
If you are facing the reality of who he is and letting go of the notion that, with "help," he can be remodeled into the husband and father you need him to be, that right there is huge. You cover a vast stretch of ground just doing that, and that may be enough for you to accomplish for now. Decisions about his physical presence in the home will start to almost make themselves, after you solidify your grasp of what's really going on. Right now your task is to set aside sentimentalities and fantasies of possibilities that aren't ever going to happen. That's a lot of mental work and it's almost traumatizing. The mind defends itself from what is too painful by creating alternative narratives that help us feel more hopeful and less defeated. We imagine how "if only" this and "if only" that. "Maybe this" and "maybe that." You've done the preliminary work of cataloging all the examples of how you have an unacceptable, unfair, soul-withering situation. You've started to consider that there may be an alternative to just languishing in this mess as something that can't be changed. You're letting go of hope in solutions that will not happen. You need to inhabit that space for awhile and get oriented.
When you have the honesty and courage to come out of dreamland and face reality, it doesn't feel good at first. But, oh, is it empowering. You have options. Take a little time to discover that you're not as trapped as you thought you were. Get used to the view from your new vantage point.
I'm so glad you have the satisfaction of your children being as well as they are. Congratulations on successful mothering. You're afraid of making a false move. Fine. It's not like the house is on fire, and you better bolt through an exit immediately. It doesn't sound like there are imminent threats to your children's and your safety. Instead, there's a long-established status quo that you've become completely sick of. Altering it can feel like taxiing a jumbo jet on the runway. Dissolving a marriage feels shockingly radical because you went into it with such commitment. You don't reneg on commitment easily. I admire that.
One day at a time.
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Thank you, Rose. Mostly I accept him as he is, which I guess was a problem from the start. I totally ignored terrible behavior decades ago, and since. I believed I did something wrong to deserve it, or I believed I was having too high expectations, that he at the time behaved like that because he’d only seen poor behavior and, or I was just busy defending myself and just wanting to be loved in my marriage. He has a roller coaster way of being, even with his routines. I have been done with him at times I guess, and then I see him again with compassion and empathy. I guess I went way way way past sick of it, to numb, starting a few years back.
I’ve thought if he gets help with his trauma then he wouldn’t have all those reactions, moods, ups, downs, ticks, obsessions, etc. I see him as someone with an infliction they can’t help, and myself collateral damage. I’ve had a lot of setbacks as well in life, and he has stood by me, although he doesn’t handle them well necessarily. I suppose that does all add up to a lot of what if’s.
And like you said it’s like taxiing a jet plane. It’s erasing permanent ink.
I’m stuck I guess means I’m getting a push from my kid and I’m standing still for the most part. Yes I need time for a big change. I have to admit that I feel confused because she would continue to spend time with him for visitation, and I would be apart? I can’t wrap my brain around it. I guess if he hasn’t treated me well enough then I should want to leave. He treats me fine if I never try to interfere with him, which sounds odd.