I was hoping someone would relate and offer ways to help but honestly I have no hope. Where to begin. Sorry if this seems like I'm rambling. I'm not even sure where to post this.
For the past decade I've struggled with reality. I feel 100% that I'm stuck in a dream and that nobody is real. It's getting worse over time and has led me to
Now it's to the point where I believe some higher force is experimenting on me.
In Los Angeles my first T, clinical psychologist, diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder. My psychiatrist spent several months trying to verify the diagnoses and eventually said I didn't have SD. That psychiatrist was too expensive so I found another one who diagnosed me borderline personality disorder.
One day I nearly ended my life because of my psychologist, and was forced to a psych ward. After getting out I was forced to find another T, T #2, who also was clinical psychologist, who sent me to a specialist for a possible dissociative diagnoses. He diagnosed me with DID. T #2 eventually diagnosed me with
"Schizoaffective Disorder. In addition, a provisional diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder and Other Specified Personality Disorder with Borderline, Schizotypal, and Avoidant Features."
I asked her what about my DID diagnoses. Her reply was, "The DID diagnosis is unclear to me." By that time I was feeling so suicidal every day. None of my Ts and the meds were helping me so I decided to go to the forest to end my life but somehow I ended up driving from Cali to Missouri to be with my parents and a lot of relatives.
So everything here is so much better in terms of hardship. I'm no longer living in a horrible airbnb, I have a roommate in a townhouse, I'm working on my projects that I love (or used to love), I visit my parents and relatives at least once a week... but still I can't seem to get away from believing 100% that I'm completely alone stuck in a dream, my parents aren't real, nobody is real, nothing is real.
I thought for sure that my depression and SI would end because there's no more hardship, but it hasn't. I still have weekly insane cycles where it's like I change into a completely different person and become so self destructive. I feel so fatigue throughout the day that I have to sleep 2 to 3 times during the day even though I sleep about 8 to 10 hours at night. I just can't seem to snap out of this deep feeling that I'm all alone and that everyone who meant everything to me during childhood and my whole life aren't real. It gives me an overwhelming feeling that life is pointless, has no meaning. Even my projects that used to mean the world to me are meaningless.
Lately I'm feeling so different like my head is going to explode and becoming so dissociative that I almost got in a car accident today. I find myself standing in stores daydreaming or something in my own world. Eventually someone in the store snaps me out of it. Sometimes they look at me as if I'm an alien. I think the dissociation might be because life is so painful and depression is horrible.
People might suggest seeing a T and pDoc, but I did that for years without help. I wished more than anything there is a way to be normal.