The last few months I have been in a funk. I've just been feeling sad, miserable, irritable, and/or angry. Having to move back in with my family this past November due to trying to save money (and a fall-out with my friend) hasn't helped. My Father and Mother are getting older (80 and 72 respectively) plus my sister and her seven year old daughter. At least I have my own room, so I guess that could count as a win.

I guess I'm still processing everything that has happened the last couple of years and all of the changes. This includes:

• Finally leaving the kitchen industry, but not before all of the damage to my confidence and psyche.

• The death of my cat in Junes of 2018.

• Money issues from having to go on Social Assistance and then disability.

• The tension in the house, largely caused by my Grandmother with severe dementia.

• Going back to College.

• Moving from my Parents' house to my friend's place.

• Dealing with the noise and shouting matches between my friend and his gf.

• Losing my grandmother.

• Having one of my roommates die in front of me from a drug overdose.

• Having my funding cut from school and dealing with the fall out from that.

• The Covid epidemic.

• The drama and tension in the house.

• More or less having a falling out with my friend and having to move back in with my parents.

• Struggling to get my baking business started.

As you can see, I've been dealt a crummy hand, and that's just the stuff I remember off hand. I don't really talk to my friend anymore since he pissed me off by disrespecting me, his continued hissy fits, and bringing his drug addict friends over. It sucks, but I'm just tired of taking crap from people.

I've been isolating myself with little to no desire to leave my room, except for work. Speaking of which, I still can only handle 4-5 hour days and 20 hours per week, maximum. Even that feels like too much. I come home everyday and just feel exhausted. I have no energy.

There has been so much change. I just feel lonely a lot. I don't really have a desire to talk to anyone. I wish I did. I feel like I have to find a new circle of friends, which is hard at 42. There are some circles I'm trying to get into, but I just don't have the will power.

I've been single for all of my life and it does get to me. I wish I had a companion to take care of me, and vice versa. One thing I do seem to be good at is providing comfort to people. I guess it's hard for me to love someone when I don't love myself.

I just don't what to do. I keep hearing about self-care, but what is that? I don't really have a lot of interests anymore since 1) they all cost money, and 2) I have no drive. I'm just tired of things being taken away from me.