I feel like I'm supposed to feel sad - And I allow it to happen because it's valid and for a reason. It's been this way in the past (Except I really had no idea what to do and gave up/lost hope cuz of the environmental and social isolation). It didn't help to be abused and neglected either - But I'm letting that go. It's always like I think of every experience that I've had as VALID.. and that thinking about them in every possible way will unlock a secret to solve my problems so I can feel BETTER? It's always about not liking the way I feel.. Maybe that's a problem but not THE problem..

I'm finally starting to figure things out since lately. Nothing really makes sense in my world and never did - But the psychedelic trips did really help to shuffle my mind around. I don't think I'll become sui but it's liberating to be intact/aware with the new knowledge that I didn't have in the past.

I will keep trying because I know that I have a chance now. It's so much different. I'm more disciplined.. I make better decisions.. Am I trying to hold onto my old self? Or am I trying to change? I think both..

There's not much that I need to know - Like from a teacher, guru, priest, shaman.. I just feel quite alone. Maybe new insights, perspectives. Would be nice to keep chasing chemical highs - The nature of addiction makes me think that I can pull it off (Or ANYTHING.. Anything at all - All of the directions to where I could go..).

The stuff that I know now, I keep forever. I want to change the world, live a rich life.. I just see the big picture waaay too much. Small details and lack of meaning bore me to death.. Need novelty, deeper secrets, fascinating/attractive shiny things, dopamine.. Some excitement.. But also - to relax, inspire, feel safer, content.. Idk what my dreams are, my goals, and why I think/feel so much.

Therapy would be my best bet.. I can also keep doing what I've done.. I could get a ****** therapist, go in a blind direction - I KNOW.. Only I know what to do.. and what I'm thinking, what's inside my mind. I'm not complaining at all.