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Originally Posted by Starlingflock
She would be okay visiting with him she says. What I mean is, she is pushing for separation yet she’d be the one still seeing him. I guess we would still all get together, or even just him and I, if possible. I wouldn’t involve the court unless absolutely necessary. I doubt he’d involve the court. Then again, if I told/asked him to leave, I cannot even imagine what he would do in response. There’s no way it would go well.
It’s true that he has much less interest in the kids than the average parent, and has often said he can’t wait to have an empty nest. He also said if my daughter ever “tries to leave the house” then he is going to need visits with her dog a few times a week because he’ll miss the dog. He says weird stuff. He also gets really lonely if we’re gone. He doesn’t like to be alone for long. He starts to get unsettled without us there. Me maybe.
I guess the truth is I don’t want to live this way. No doubt our relationship has always been some level of unhealthy. He has always thought its great though. His only complaint was more recently the physical aspect which I stopped indulging because we don’t get along. I told him that was damaging me to be giving that way when things are so strained. So he started thinking of us as platonic. His more recent meds have made it a non issue anyway.
It’s my choice, but I can’t see things clear enough yet to know how or what to choose.
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These conversations you are having with your daughter are way inappropriate. You are treating her like a peer confidant. She is "pushing" for you to have your husband leave the home? This is not the kind of thing where you have "family" discussions over what to do. You are lonely and wanting someone to commiserate with you, and your daughter is filling a role that she has no business being in.
Your daughter has a right to express to you her frustrations about *her* relationship with her father - to a point. She finds him "embarrassing" and "annoying.". (Sounds like typical teen talk.) Of course, you listen, and then you move on, and then she moves on to what is her business as a child/teen or whatever. Have your discussions about maintaining/ending the marriage with qualified adults. Listening to your daughter advise you about your personal problems with "self-worth" is inappropriate role-reversal. Those kind of verbal interchanges should be aborted. She must not focus on "Mom's problem." That is adult business, not for her to preoccupy herself with. She has a right to all sorts of opinions about everything going on around her. She needs to learn that some of her opinions are for her to entertain privately. Even between a mother and daughter there is such a thing as appropriate boundaries.
You are hurting your daughter's development by over involving her in what is your business.
Your husband is very likely to become homeless, if you decide to stop living with him. He knows that - deep down. Of course he clings to his family. You are what stands between him and the street. Deep down, you already know this. This is partly why ejecting him from the home seems so awful to you. You are worried what would happen to him. Deep down you know he can't cope with adult responsibilities. The prospect of him completely deteriorating outside the shelter of the marriage is very sad to contemplate. You don't want to be "responsible" for that.
In life, we sometimes face a choice between sacrificing ourself on an altar to "save" someone else and freeing ourself to make a life that is best for oneself. We want a win-win solution - best for me and best for this other person too. It really sucks to face a choice where I either take the best care of me, or I take care of holding him up. I can't do both. It's me or him. You have the option of continuing to take care of him. However, it is not your moral obligation to do so. You need to know you are free to choose. Being his perpetual caregiver is not something you owe him because he was "there for you" at times in the past. He didn't contract Alzheimer's disease, in which case you would have a responsibility for his care. He has adopted a style of living whereby he takes no responsibility for anything. You are not obligated to underwrite that. He is not entitled to be propped up by you. You can choose to do that for him, but you don't have to. There are forms of self-sacrifice that are noble. It is not noble to be someone else's doormat.
If you opt for separation, the only way to do it is through the court. He will not leave because you ask him to. He has nowhere to go.
You don't have to throw him out - of the marriage, or of the home. You have the option of continuing your current arrangement. It's an option, not an obligation.