My mom was just here for a visit. I was avoiding talking about it on here because other posters were dealing with mother-related situations and I didn't want to upset them, so I apologize if this is triggering. This was the first time I've seen her since both the fire and my father's death. I think I really wanted to tell her how hard the last several years have been and how awful (abusive? I'm beginning to doubt if I can call it that anymore) my marriage had gotten. I just wanted to feel seen and heard. I cracked the door open while she was here, but it didn't seem she was willing to go there with me. I had considered bringing her to a therapy session, but I had reservations about that and P didn't seem wholeheartedly into that idea, although I may have been reading into that somewhat. Basically, I felt neither seen nor heard during her visit and I've been having some difficulty accepting that. In our last session, P suggested that I may have to just accept the relationship for what it is, but even that leaves me feeling kind of dejected.

Something came up during our work virtual happy hour yesterday that was pretty directly related to the fire. They were talking about burning something and I told them that I could say from experience that it probably wouldn't burn very well (laminate flooring). Someone asked if there was a story behind that knowledge and I mentioned I had a house fire a few years ago and the flooring was surprisingly not that badly damaged. I don't know. I felt stupid for saying that and I felt unheard because I couldn't say how the fire happened and I felt a little triggered. I know this incident is playing into this feeling, but I'd feel so stupid telling P about this because I feel pretty socially inept most of the time. That's something my ex used to tell me all the time and it's something that got ingrained pretty deeply.

It probably doesn't help that this was also the first week that we've had to reduce our sessions so he can do his clinicals for school. Which is probably making me want more attention, which I then feel bad about myself for.