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Originally Posted by Rose76
These conversations you are having with your daughter are way inappropriate. You are treating her like a peer confidant. She is "pushing" for you to have your husband leave the home? This is not the kind of thing where you have "family" discussions over what to do. You are lonely and wanting someone to commiserate with you, and your daughter is filling a role that she has no business being in.
Your daughter has a right to express to you her frustrations about *her* relationship with her father - to a point. She finds him "embarrassing" and "annoying.". (Sounds like typical teen talk.) Of course, you listen, and then you move on, and then she moves on to what is her business as a child/teen or whatever. Have your discussions about maintaining/ending the marriage with qualified adults. Listening to your daughter advise you about your personal problems with "self-worth" is inappropriate role-reversal. Those kind of verbal interchanges should be aborted. She must not focus on "Mom's problem." That is adult business, not for her to preoccupy herself with. She has a right to all sorts of opinions about everything going on around her. She needs to learn that some of her opinions are for her to entertain privately. Even between a mother and daughter there is such a thing as appropriate boundaries.
You are hurting your daughter's development by over involving her in what is your business.
Your husband is very likely to become homeless, if you decide to stop living with him. He knows that - deep down. Of course he clings to his family. You are what stands between him and the street. Deep down, you already know this. This is partly why ejecting him from the home seems so awful to you. You are worried what would happen to him. Deep down you know he can't cope with adult responsibilities. The prospect of him completely deteriorating outside the shelter of the marriage is very sad to contemplate. You don't want to be "responsible" for that.
In life, we sometimes face a choice between sacrificing ourself on an altar to "save" someone else and freeing ourself to make a life that is best for oneself. We want a win-win solution - best for me and best for this other person too. It really sucks to face a choice where I either take the best care of me, or I take care of holding him up. I can't do both. It's me or him. You have the option of continuing to take care of him. However, it is not your moral obligation to do so. You need to know you are free to choose. Being his perpetual caregiver is not something you owe him because he was "there for you" at times in the past. He didn't contract Alzheimer's disease, in which case you would have a responsibility for his care. He has adopted a style of living whereby he takes no responsibility for anything. You are not obligated to underwrite that. He is not entitled to be propped up by you. You can choose to do that for him, but you don't have to. There are forms of self-sacrifice that are noble. It is not noble to be someone else's doormat.
If you opt for separation, the only way to do it is through the court. He will not leave because you ask him to. He has nowhere to go.
You don't have to throw him out - of the marriage, or of the home. You have the option of continuing your current arrangement. It's an option, not an obligation.
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I hear you and thank you. I am not lonely, wanting my daughter to commiserate. She is not my peer. She has been receiving counseling, and I think her discussions there are what had her reaching out to me telling me she doesn’t want to live with him. And saying we should get divorced. I think it started with her saying divorce, and then evolved to her saying she needs to be away from him because her mental health. She told me she had been watching you tube videos about narcissists, so maybe that’s where the self worth thing comes from. Although I do recall saying to her that I had an alcoholic father so that affected my self worth. And yeah she sees him controlling things and she is more like him in that she likes things her way. When I say pushing me, I don’t mean we’re having discussions about me waffling. I mean after her counseling session she was angry that she has to live with him and I’m not doing anything about kicking him out. I tell her what’s appropriate, I’m just reporting things she’s said. I’m not saying she is advising me or I’m asking her for advice. I can’t think of anytime I’ve asked her for advice about anything, let alone this stuff. She said it’s okay to leave someone who has problems like him and his choice after that is on him. She learned that in counseling and shared it with me. She’s a kid who instead of just having normal teen stuff going on, has a father who had a complete mental breakdown a few years ago, and that’s not normal at all. She wants to be away from it because she wants to be a normal kid who can feel like she has a good standing in society and not some poor kid who has a c*azy dad. I felt horrible when she told me how she was feeling. I felt horrible that my child was feeling ashamed of her life instead of proud of herself. I felt like I didn’t shield her from his madness when I should have. I have a hard time seeing the difference between a physical vs mental illness (or Alzheimer’s) and I am extremely empathetic and patient and nonjudgmental for the most part. I’m very accommodating and I can withstand a lot of discomfort. It’s not a purposeful sacrifice. It’s my personality, or trauma, or I don’t know. That’s why I ask, why am I like this? I numb, I’m stuck, I just left a job with difficult bosses. I “survived” there for years when no one else could. Other employees would say how can you do this? They’d say they were screaming in their cars, crying at night, having nightmares, driving their partners crazy complaining about the boss, having their self esteem take a dive, losing their confidence, and so on. I’m happy at my new place. I’m learning from that. I can only do so many things at once.
I made some changes around here so my daughter is much more comfortable for the time being. She is smiling much more and focusing on defining herself.
If Id kicked him out immediately it’d be because she said that’s what she wanted and needed. That’s not how it works, so I’m digging deep, trying to see. I’m trying to see the big picture. It’s easy to know I deserve a peaceful relationship, easy to know this isn’t working and I don’t approve, and easy to know no kid wants to live in weirdness when they can live in security and fun.