E…. is away with V….. on a camping trip this weekend. It’s just N…. and myself until Sunday evening.
The kids have contrasting personalities:
Two weeks ago N…. spoke of a dream in which she was abandoned in a forest. On a few occasions she has called me , terribly upset, expressing her wish that I return to the family home and stay forever.
E….., although upset, hasn’t openly cried or asked me to return home. Her response seemed more measured, then philosophical. The new house was an exciting adventure alive with potential hiding places and cupboards to sit in. Ultimately she reasoned there are now two beds for her, twice the toys and a new town - double the reason to be excited.
Desire and longing have dominated my recent dreams (the one’s I can recall). During the day thoughts drift back to V…. and how I want (or think I need) her back in my life. I’ve mused over whether we could make things work given time or if she would want to. I’ve noted this creeping fear that she would embark on another relationship. Rationally I know this is a reflection of my vulnerabilities. Getting back together soon would solve nothing; V….. has been right to keep an emotional distance; anxiety of her meeting someone new is nothing more than that: Anxiety.
Being apart might be the best permanent solution to our difficulties and I want to be alive to that possibility.
DREAM FROM LAST NIGHT
I’m living with V….. in our former home though the surroundings are unfamiliar. The kids are no where to be seen. We are walking the streets and I’m preoccupied with thoughts of her and us. We visit a neighbour who has one cat (in reality the neighbors had 5 cats which used our garden as an enormous litter tray twice a-week. It drove me absolutely crazy). Another neighbor has a small dog which is terorrising the poor creature, taking every opportunity to intimidate it. We watch as the dog frantically digs a hole beneath the garden fence in pursuit of the cat then yaps hysterically. We tell the neighbor what we saw. The neighbor is understandably concerned. On the way home I ask V….. for her thoughts on us working things out. She is unable or unwilling to commit to a definitive response. I’m deflated and saddened but awake feeling perfectly okay.