I’m afraid of getting better because I’m so attached to the idea of suicide. It sounds so much better to me to get to go out on my own terms because I’m afraid of dying in some random accident or something.

In 2018, I planned my suicide but never went through with it which I often regret. Sometimes I think no one will believe that I almost went through with suicide because I didn’t actually go through with it. I feel like I need to go through with it to prove my mental illness to people. I also got attached to the idea and don’t want to die in any other way. I also am unhappy with my life and don’t want to keep living this way. But even if I were happier, I just feel like life isn’t for me.

I don’t know if I could ever bring this up because I feel like my therapist gets really disappointed/frustrated when I’m not making progress and not open to changing my thoughts/trying to make progress. She would be really unhappy to hear that I don’t want to get better especially if I tell her the reason.

If you’ve been here before… How do you get over the idea of suicide?