Dear T,

I feel unsettled. I'm not sure how else to try and describe it. Life is good right now. Really good, and yet underlying is still this..... Unsettledness. I feel like I have a lot of words inside me but I'm not sure what they are, where to write them, who to talk to (hah, yeah right, like they can be spoken!) or how I am supposed to live the happiness fully with this all stuck inside me.

I wondered whether I use the book to write in, but then I might upset the flow of the book, the plan to have a double page spread for each session. I just wondered whether writing in there might be helpful.

When K left, my friend gifted me a self care box, and in there was a notebook. I used it to write... A lot... About K leaving and my feelings and thoughts around that whole mess. I found it useful, so maybe I'm thinking just putting pen to paper and letting it flow would be a good thing for me again.

No idea what Tuesday will bring. It's getting quite close to our break though, I am aware of that.

In other news K and I learnt a new step this week, I think. Well, when I say learn, I actually mean had a go at, because I think it takes time to learn things. It seemed to go ok though. I sent a message wishing her a happy Friday and telling her a little of what I had planned for the weekend, and she replied telling me what her plans were. I'm not sure I expected that but I'm glad she could open up just a little to me, too.

Time. Slowly learning. Slowly adjusting. Taking time to see if this is right for me, and I wonder if she is taking time to see if it is right for her as well. If I am being completely honest with myself I'm not 100% sure it is right for me, as things are, but it is right to keep trying. I am open to the possibility, though, that one day it might not be. That's enormous progress I think.

I think it would be fascinating to look back on that notebook I just said about, to see how things were a year ago Vs how they are now.