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ArtleyWilkins
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Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 2,787
5 yr Member
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Default May 15, 2022 at 11:29 AM
 
I once was certain I would die by suicide. It was not a healthy or particularly sane belief in retrospect. It was, for me, honestly a bit of fantasizing over those ideations over a long period of time.

My view eventually changed, rather suddenly actually, upon the death of my sister. I realized how devastating her loss was to our family, to my children - and hers was a death from cancer. I saw in stark reality that my own death by suicide would be at least that devastating and damaging to everyone I loved. I could not, would not, have that as my legacy. Coincidentally, I had two friends commit suicide soon after my sister's death, which cemented for me that suicide was absolutely not the answer; it is tragic and wounding and traumatic for those left behind.

One thing that really helped me stop idealizing the idea of suicide was to be completely open with my therapist and my pdoc about those beliefs and to work through them rather than hide those ideations. I found hiding those thoughts actually increased them, while being open about them took a bit of the fantasy away. It forced me to get real. My pdoc and therapist knew when we were in discussion versus when I was in danger, and I never found that they overreacted. Yes, I was hospitalized multiple times during that period very much voluntarily, but the more I worked through the ideations, stayed consistent with my medications, and saw the impact of my choices on those around me, the less focused I was on suicide and the more focused I became finding some peace with my life and moving forward.

I am over a decade beyond that period in my life. I have suffered some devastating losses since then (including the most recent death of my husband after 100 days in the hospital with Covid), but never has suicide entered my mind again as a solution for the stresses in my life. I can and do choose differently.

I hope you will have frank discussions with your therapist and pdoc and can reach a place where you no longer hold on to suicide as your out. You can get beyond these ideations.
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