Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
Get a checking account that is in your name only. Have your paychecks go into that. Let him have absolutely no access to that account. If you want to throw him a few bucks pocket money now and then, go ahead. But keep your income where he cannot touch it. Be prepared that he will likely steal from your purse, if he's broke, or write himself a check from your checkbook. Any budget you set up is for you to follow. He will have zero interest in it.
So you are thinking you might decide "to have him leave." You seem to have not thought much about what that will involve. You are in no position to just "have him leave." He lives there and has a legal right to be there. That man is not going anywhere, unless you have him legally removed. Even with a court order enforcing a legal separation, he will cause you a world of trouble. He will be at you door incessantly. He will be in the street waiting to accost you when you are leaving or returning home. He will be outside the kids' school, waiting to intercept them to try an get them to advocate on his behalf. He will loiter outside your job. He will ask for a thousand favors, like something to eat, or to use your washing machine and dryer. He will text and call you at all hours. He is not going to just go "get his own place." Even if you got him a place, he'll lose in within no time.
Outside the shelter of the family home, this man will end up on the street. He will haunt you every way he can. And he will be furious. You will be in no small amount of danger. He will be outside banging on the windows of the house, if you don't let him through the front door. This man is like gum stuck to the bottom of your show. You will need considerable back up from law enforcement to get him away from you.
At some level, I think you know this . . . but you are thought blocking. You are not facing how desperate his plight is.
Your daughter finds him embarrassing now? Wait till he's homeless, waiting outside her school, planning to follow her home. She has no idea how embarrassing he can become.
If I'm blunt, it's because the reality of what you will go through trying to untangle your life from his seems not to have occurred to you. I'm very sorry to say this, but you sound like a nice lady who is living in La-La land. As you said, several posts above, "it will not go well." You don't want to involve the court? Like he is going to pack bags and drive away to a place of his own. With what? The man is flat broke. He is not going anywhere willingly.
You are having talks with him explaining the respect you want to have from him. You try throwing him out, and stuff is going to come out of his mouth beyond anything you've ever heard.
If there is a support group for domestic violence in your community, I recommend you go and introduce yourself. (You have a long history of receiving emotional abuse.) You need to hear what women go thru trying to eject a man who doesn't want to leave. There is a whole side to this man that you have yet to see.
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I will set up another account and have my check go there from now on. I had been using the savings account and him the checking, and tried splitting expenses and keeping things separate, but ended up transferring more than my share into the checking to cover automatic bills. I am so accustomed to enabling him.
I was encouraged yesterday seeing that he had searched for a one bedroom apartment recently, so I guess thats why I thought it’d be doable after all.
I probably am thought blocking, but I can’t imagine him hanging around school, work. But I’m sure you’re right about there being a side of him I haven’t even seen. He can be a lot of bark, but he is impulsive too. He does continue contacting people until they respond to him and gets very anxious waiting for it. He will ignore my message though.
He’s been watching videos today about borderline personality. He’s said before he identifies with it. He was watching a video about families of people with it. Sounded just like our experience.
He’s wanted to sell the house so many times. I figure it wouldn’t be hard to convince him we should sell the place and split the proceeds left after paying debts. This place is not in good shape but we still could make enough to split. He probably would change his mind last second now that I think about it. But he’d probably be enticed by the money, so maybe not.
I told him last night that it’s like he hates me the way he can behave toward me. He said “you hate yourself.” So nasty.
If I can’t expect things to get better here, can’t expect things to get better if he would go, I guess it’s as hopeless as I really feel. I just keep seeing the disdain he has for me and the anger I have towards him that I don’t let myself feel.
I have a new job and it’s really difficult having this stuff go on, especially him getting fired during my first week. I’ve been acting like nothing’s wrong forever. I only let it out here, the counselor now, and to one friend. I feel strong but of course this affects me and I guess I’m like an egg-very strong under pressure but so easy to break at the same time. I just don’t know how to get away from this mess. Im reliving a terrible traumatic past that I had with my father. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other like but I want to scream!
I can keep living in this arrangement I guess because it is so familiar but I feel like this love is pretend when I think about how things really are.