Why is it that you "can't expect things to get better if he would go?" I hope you don't think you're getting that from me. What I tried to point out is that disentangling yourself from him would be a messy ordeal, where he would make that as hard for you as possible. You would need an attorney, a series of court directives, and, at some point, probably back up from police. You're not going to just "have him leave," as you blithely put it.

Your life can be changed, if you're willing to do the work of changing it. You do not have to accept being dictated to by him. You can change your marital status and your living arrangement. You are not going to change him. You do not have to accept the status quo. You have rights protected by law. You are not going to sit down with him and the two of you come up with a mutually agreed upon plan for "uncoupling." He has zero incentive to cooperate with you on any of that. (Think Ike and Tina Turner.)

If the ordeal you'll have to go through to separate from this man seems like something you don't want to go through, then you have the option of continuing your current arrangement. It sounds like you're sick to death of doing that.

You guess "it's hopeless?" What is hopeless? Him working with you on a plan - yes that's hopeless. He is not going to cooperate with you on anything. Isn't that the very reason you want to separate from him? You will have to make your own plans for yourself and for the children. You don't need his permission for pursuing an end to this marriage.

Like we've discussed, you have two options. You keep casting about for a third because you don't like either of the options you have. Good luck. Maybe you'll come up with something I haven't thought of.

Every day people get out of miserable marriages. It can be done. There is a legal process for doing so. But it doesn't just happen. You don't simply give your spouse a notice of termination, and he exits. There is a process to go through, and it is unpleasant at times. Alternatively, you can carry on with things as they have been for years. I think it is wise to realistically see how each of your two options will play out.

If I were you, I wouldn't waste time thinking about what "we" should do, like maybe "we" should sell the house. There is no "we." You are not in a partnership. He will only think in terms of what keeps this arrangement going whereby he lives off of you. Who cares what videos he's watching? He's not looking for answers to how to be a better man and how to have a viable marriage. He's only looking for excuses. He's only looking to scam you.