Hey:)

When I was in 10-15 my brother and I were bullied by a lot of people at my school. Not just classmates.
Later when we turned 13 and moved to a new place some of them would have the same way home since they lived in our neighbourhood.

Those experiences lead to depression, self harm, social anxiety and a few suicide attempts.
My self worth was totaly ****ed.

I'm 22 now and believed to be over it since I don't feel anything when I think about those times.
But I still feel helpless in social situations. I still smile and laugh it off when someone is being an asshole to me. Everytime someone gets angry I just get startled, laugh and say something to avoid the situation.
I get nervous when a group of people is talking loudly on the bus.
With 19 I was bullied out of my part time job by a few coworkers.
Stayed in a toxic friendship with someone who would ridicule his friends in front of everyone, insult them and putting them down.
So somehow I still behave like I did before which means that I am not over it and still have this "was bullied" mark on me.

I already went to therapy for a long time but I never really did behavioral therapy. And can't until april/mai nexr year for insurance policy reasons.

So I want to know from you guys, how do I get better? How do I lose this target on my back?