First of all you have done some good things for yourself. You took steps to get more education, you have a new job and that is progress.

Your husband is disordered and is displaying some toxic behaviors in an effort to cause you to doubt yourself. When he attacks your ego in an effort to lower your self esteem he gains control over you. There is no “we” and hasn’t been for years except in your imagination of what you want to be instead of the reality of what is. No caring healthy person would say the things he has been saying to you.

I believe you when you share how this brings you back to what you experienced with your father. What has changed is that now you are an adult and can take steps to better protect yourself and your children. That’s what they want to see you do. You are still young enough where you can have your own way of becoming independent.

While you take steps to break free, it will be a threat to your husband as this is how disordered individuals who behave like your husband role. Because there is no “we”, it means that you will need to have your own plan that you do not share with him. It’s a waste of time for you to point out his faults, he has proven that all he does is twist it back on you in hopes to cause you to doubt yourself.

He has stated by his words and actions that he has no intentions of changing. You have a good heart, but you are wasting it on a person who just uses you and doesn’t respect you. This is also why he is not able to hold down a job. He does not have any real adult skills and tends to prefer living in his illusions and getting high.