I had a panic attack in 3rd person while waiting for the atenolol and olanzepine to kick in. I took clonazepam and then told my mom about everything. She facetimed my dad and grandmother.
I explained that I was listening to a journalist and that things are too much.. My grandmother understands because she lives her life on Facebook.
I was just wondering, "When will the world, OUR world completely decay and we suffer immensely". Cuz right after the pandemic started, I imagined what it would be like in 2 years... It's been 2 years now, and it's exactly what I expected it to be like.
My mom says "It's always been that way" and that she tries to focus on our own world. I just find that hard because of my empathy - And focusing on the world can be crippling for anyone like us.
She said that she doesn't care about the things I'm saying; the corruption - Cuz we have the technology advanced enough to stop stuff like this from happening - So it has to be done on purpose. But whatever..
I do feel like I'm in a good mood.. But before the olanzepine kicked in, I kept saying "You're fine just do x" or "Why don't you", "You need to" - Instead of "I'm fine...", "I should", "I need to".. It's like talking to myself and not knowing which thought is MINE or someone elses.. It's so ****ed up man. Dealing with mental states like this are so draining.
But everyone is really, really having an extremely difficult time - More than me.. But I also think, INFINITE.. And it's nihilistic because nothing exists in the end, beyond every possible thing that will exist
But I found 2-3 solutions in the form of thoughts that solved the issue. I just forget what they were... I found 10 solutions to solipsism too - It's just solving all of it, one step at a time. It's like.. Love, empathy for example.. To build connection instead of being disconnected - Everyone's so divided.
If it all revolves in a circle, there's a certain point where things connect and also disconnect - So what I experience NOW, is relevant for the future.. To be responsible for the consequences our own actions.. Like stuff said in the bible - All of that.
I just need to vent so much and think myself dry. I'll try and write down the solutions to infinite nihilism when I think of them again...