I have been really scared about posting this and I keep editing it to make it shorter and shorter or to change a bit so I am gonna write the truth and then post it straight away so I cannot change my mind. Sorry if I don't make much sense, I find it really hard to write down emotions and stuff when I know people are going to read.

I've always been a really closed person and the only person who knew about the stuff I had been through was my mum and sister. My sister is now dead but we weren't that close so i have been okay although I still sometimes get sad. My mum has become deeply depressed since her death and I look after her.
I don't want to get into details but an incident has happened this week which has made me realise that i have truly lost my mum and our relationship will never be the same again.

I have lots of friends but they aren't very close and don't know much about me. They are more sort of party friends I suppose. I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one who knows me enough to call in to check i am okay. I feel really unloved and really lonely. A lot of that is probably my fault because a lot of my friends would love to get close to me but i keep them at bay. I just can't ever open my mouth to start to tell them what is going on.

I have been crying all week and i never cry. I just can't stop crying and I feel so small because of it. I sat for hours last night in the garden with my dogs just trying to stop sobbing. At least i have my dogs.

I just sometimes wish someone could see that I might act all happy but i am quite clearly not.