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Rose76
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Rose76 Treading water.
 
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Default May 22, 2022 at 04:06 PM
 
You are starting to think rationally. You are just slightly loosening your white knuckle grip on the phantasy you created in your mind about how you've been living in this home where there has been "lots of love" for 20 years. Remember how you put that in your first post of this thread. "Lots of love" you said. I'm sure you have poured your heart into making a loving home environment for your kids and for him. I'm sure you have lots of family memories of some nice times together. Probably you have photos of everyone smiling around the Christmas tree. Starling, every abusive rat who ever lived can be seen in some warm, fuzzy holiday photos wearing a big, wide smile. The worst monsters out there didn't spend every second of every day doing despicable things. They carved turkeys and handed out presents with bows on them and pushed kids on swings and told some funny stories and held doors open for old, ladies carrying bags. You say he "does nice things" for people. So did Hitler. Being nice when one feels like it is all part of the game. He has convinced himself that he's a pretty good guy. Those "nice things" are his proof. You are supposed to be so impressed by those "nice things." Don't be!

That stuff doesn't undo the abuse hurled at you day after day after day. And it's getting worse because he wants to see how far he can go and keep getting away with it. He's curious to see how much you'll take. What he says must be true, he thinks, because you keep taking it.

Does he need "professional help?" You bet he does! And he's gonna get it. Once you cut this guy loose, he will end up running afoul of society's rules in one way or another. You are what stands between him and the street. Once he can't take shelter under the canopy of your love and willingness to harbor him, he'll be like a stray dog out there rummaging around for what he can find. He'll intrude where he can. He won't be wanted long wherever he goes. He'll get desperate and angry. Everyone will be rubbing him the wrong way, like everyone on the job was mistreating him, according to him. A guy with that much anger and hate in him will eventually lash out at someone. He will come to the attention of local law enforcement. That's the "professional help" he needs . . . to have limits imposed on him. Limits will enrage him.

You are not in this world to have this guy wiping his feet on you every day, unless you believe that you are supposed to accept that. Well you made marriage vows "for better or worse." There is a limit to how much crap you have to tolerate from anyone, even the father of your children. He's pushed the limits over and over and over. He never paid a big price. He'll do it forever. You can't threaten him or punish him into better behavior. He has too much contempt for you. Metaphorically, he spits in your face . . . and laughs about it.

You don't have to accept this. He also has loads of options. But he's not one bit interested in any of the righteous ones. Give up trying to lure him into the right path. Getting his life right is his responsibility. This bullcrap with the painting is a charade. I knew a guy like that. He was going to make and sell leather goods, all with a Harley-Davidson theme. His friend owned a shop selling motorcycle goods. This guy was going to hang out with the "players" in town who rode cool bikes. He'ld sell them cool belts and saddle bags. He'ld be part of the biker culture. All a charade. He got dumped. He was driving business away from his friend's shop. Your husband is going to lose all his associates, if he has any left. Realize that he did this to himself.
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Thanks for this!
Starlingflock