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May 23, 2022, 09:31 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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The amazingly sweet receptionist told me that Mary came in to pick up paperwork and that she doesn't look well at all. Now I'm preparing myself for her being gone for part or all of June, too. I know she loves her job and I know she doesn't want to retire, but. But.
I'm just heartbroken. I want to work on this stuff, I don't want to die carrying it all. I lost my amazing therapist of 6 years very suddenly, with no chance to say good-bye, many years ago. It really screwed up my life.
Anyway, I've been listening to music, singing, and cleaning all afternoon. There was a sign at Auschwitz "Arbeit Macht Frei" - "work will free you." Horrifying irony, but I think of it when I'm feeling self-destructive...work does distract me from overflowing emotion. It's productive, and it's a good work-out. Speaking of which, I do wish there was a synagogue in this town, I would like to attend a service. It's been a very long time.
So the stronger adult part of me managed to pick up the phone while all the other little parts of me were screaming and crying and made an appointment with Mary's other colleague. He's a psychologist. I did one session with him to do some diagnostic stuff last year. He was friendly. I don't remember anything else about him. So I'll see him tomorrow. Then I ordered some tea for Mary. It will be delivered to her tomorrow. If she doesn't come back I may just knock on her door. She won't be mean. Fu*k all of this.
 Very much love, all around~
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