Well, its good that you're talking about it for a start.
If you act on it, ultimately you would become despised and hated by anyone with any value, and so its good that you are addressing it here.
If you were to think of a way to deal with your pain that was niether turning it outward, or inward, with your intelligence, I'd imagine you could come up with some really helpful ideas that even maybe others could benefit from too...?

Dealing with pain is really such a difficult one, and a lot more people have it than admit it I beleive.

river