V***** and and talk on the phone.

We’re trying to arrange the kid’s looming summer break (7 weeks off school). Both she and I work full-time and the plans require lengthy negotiation.

A week earlier I received a text from her with an schedule for both of us, built around her own plans for travel with the girls. She asks for my thoughts. I’m irritated at having summer mapped out for me, designed largely for her own convenience. I want to share the girls this summer, but I wanted to be part of the planning. She expresses annoyance that I’m unable to meet a couple of dates. She can’t, or won’t, accept one particular date on which she wanted me to meet, and collect, the girls, at a train station following a trip away. I want to collect them from home early the following morning. V***** challenges me. I sense the tension rising from the pit of my stomach. I challenge her back, my voice rising. She ends the call.

Fast forward a couple of days and we’re talking again. Her voice sounds different. The implacable undertone replaced by something more conciliatory. We’re both less tense. I’m happy to give this another try. An agreement is reached. It required flexibility but the girls have a great summer planned.

I’ve been avoiding too much interaction with V*****. Recent tension and my own mixed feelings have bothered me. Almost every time we met V***** would challenge something I was doing or failed to do (washing the girl’s school clothes, wanting my projector back, etc). I’ve allowed myself to be upset by her manner and words; I wanted to withdraw somewhat until better able to cope. I wonder if I’ve also been looking for a way to retain a sense of control over the situation.

As we speak I’m surprised to hear V***** invite me over when her friend is visiting (someone I liked). I feel torn. A couple of her friends clearly didn’t know how to respond to me. It was distracting and upsetting. She then asks whether I’m going to watch a performance her niece is taking part in. I say 'No' and explain why. She, annoyingly, stays with the topic. Her sister had invited me but recent tension/confusion put me off. I decline again.

She introduces the topic of divorce. My breathing gets deeper and slower. I sigh, quietly, a couple of times. I’d mused over this but hadn’t, yet, seriously considered anything. She asks for my thoughts. I feel mixed. She feels things are irreconcilable. It hurts to hear her say the word but I know, deep down, this is correct. She intends to begin divorce proceedings.

I’m wrong-footed but not distraught. I go for a long walk and feel slightly better. I think it’s the finality of it all. My mind wanders and I’m thinking about her love life. Is she interested in that colleague she used to speak highly of? He’s just her type - the polar opposite to myself. I’d be crushed though not entirely surprised.