Dear reader. Today it was a Swedish holiday - that means Swedish “Kristi himmelsfärdsdag”. Translated to English it means “Ascension Day”. No one worked today, and we teachers will not work tomorrow too. I spent this holiday with my nephews and family. I hugged my nephews so many times today and we played card-games, memory and everything. I hugged them over and over again, thinking of that sad happening - the massacre - in Texas, USA. Those little children, who were in same age as my oldest nephew. What a tragic event. I can’t still stop thinking of those kids and those teachers. Their families… Even today a piece of me as a teacher and as a human is still heartbroken by this.

Tomorrow I have plan to go to big city with my friend by train. I sold my car couple of weeks ago, my first and only car. So no more car for me. Just public transport. In one way it was liberating since our fuel-prices here passed all absurdity-level. Plus the service at Volkswagen, insurance etc. I don’t know when I’ll buy me a car again. I don’t need one. Especially when I have great public transport with solid prices (we buy our tickets via app and it’s really smooth).

I have noticed that I have difficult to sleep. But not that I can’t fall asleep, it’s more that I’m afraid to sleep. It’s an obvious pattern now that has followed me for a long time. Really silly, yes. But this is something I had since the war broke out in Balkans. To think that one night might be the last one. And where I lived in pitch black conditions for one year. I wanted to make an appointment via Mindler - our Swedish shrink-app who is not expensive - but thing is that I only get 15 minutes of talk. Then I need to book an new appointment with a new shrink and so on. Which means I need to start over and over again. I had a shrink once, but he discarded me saying that “I was just fine” without even having five meetings (we had two).

So I have my old mindfulness-app, from White Noise, where I listen at “Evening Marsh” - the sound from frogs and crickets in a pond in the middle of the night. And their little orchestra eventually gets me asleep. It’s also strange that I can almost remember everything I dreamed. That I have such great memory. I also haven’t used my Zopiclone for a long time, and it’s only 3,75mg (one pill is 7,5mg). I still have huge respect for that pill.

I hope that tomorrow will be a good day. And I hope I’ll find a solution for my sleeping-problems. I wish it was an easy-fix, but we will see. Today’s post here was supposed to be “small” but I see now that sometimes it’s almost impossible to make it so.

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