I think back all the time about the way things used to be. For the life of me, I can't remember what it was like not to be in pain. I have a lot of issues including a ton of orthopedic problems. I just had my second total knee replacement.
When things started to get worse I packed up my kids and moved in with my parents. Fast forward some and I meet what I think is my soul mate. I explained everything to him so he would know what he was getting into. By that time I had already had 8 knee surgeries so he was totally aware. I tried pushing him away at first because I didn't think I deserved to be with anyone and that no one would want me with all my problems plus I have 2 kids ages 14 and 12 now. Well he continually pursued me and I finally gave in. He proposed and said he wanted to adopt my kids. I was escatic and of course I said yes. I have always wanted to get married and have a family. Well after about 3 years he started carrying on emotionally relationships online. I was crushed and I didn't have much self esteem to being with and now I have none. He tried at first to say it was just flirting but flirting doesn't entail swapping naked pictures, masturbation videos, and telling each other you love them. Well of course I found out and after a months he ended it. Well he didn't really end it he just ghosted the woman. Well it didn't end there. In fact it never ended. He even did it with people I knew online and considered friends and I would always find out and yet I still stood by him and loved him. Until he made the choice to hide an entire paycheck and started seeing a woman in person. She was even in my car. He was lying all the time , hiding money, and she even knew about me and the kids but he told about how horrible his life is because of me and having to take care of me. Who the **** does that. Well anyway we decided he doesn't want to be with me anymore because of my health issues and of course we don't have the money to live separately so know I still have to live with him and he still has to take care of me cause I have no one else which couldn't be more humiliating and I have no idea how to get out of this situation. He promised he would take care of us financially because we can't afford this house without him which I am grateful for but he mentioned he was looking at jobs 800 miles away. How the hell can he Co parent and make sure we have what we need if he is so gat away. Even after I can walk then I have to worry about spine issues, can't stand or walk for more than 3-5 minutes, which makes everything will be difficult. I still won't be able to do the laundry, cook, most cleaning and some things with the kids. So know I am scared to death if he leaves as soon as I recover from the total knee replacement I am going to lose my kids because I can't take care of them. It's a horrible feeling one I can barely deal with.
At least when I was with my parents I knew no matter what happened to me my kids would be taken of and now nothing. To make things worse my parents stopped talking to me and their grandchildren because we moved in with him. I believed everything he said and now I am in an impossible situation. I don't know why I was stupid enough to think someone would want me. My mother told me on a daily basis no one would love me enough to handle my physical issues and she was right.
So in closing, yes I think about how things used to be all the time and its beyond pressing.

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