Last night I ordered food I would eat (salads and fruits and what not) I feel guilty because I didn't buy much for my guests but I had to borrow money to get the food. I've decided that me and mine go first when it comes to food. This means I'm taking the $60/month that it takes to go to the farmers market and doing that. I can't be nice about it because food I'm willing to eat is essential to living. I'm so angry that our niceness has been pushed to this point. I know it's not their fault but I was going to go with just water for the rest of the month. We do have food just not that I'm willing to eat. I'm trying to make it so if I consume it's not empty calories. H wanted to wait until they moved but it became apparent that I can't wait. So I'm splitting our money 3 ways after all the bills are paid and that's the amount we each get to decide where it goes. I'm including Miguel in the split because he still has not found a job and is low on cash. I said I'd include him until end of July. I just can't keep doing this we are maxed out but I'm sitting here going having no food that I'm willing to eat is fine. I didn't sleep last night really and I'm so angry. Food is not optional, I have to learn that. T told me food and shelter is essentials. I have to stop looking at things like well if I was hungry enough I'd eat anything because for me it's not true, I'll just go to sleep. I'm not blaming them for my eating patterns but I should not be out of food money. I borrowed money because last month we went to a food bank and there are just such limited options for me.

I can't fix things if I'm not here. Which I was contemplating. I can't do that to Miguel and H.