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Originally Posted by comrademoomoo
Exactly, and yet this question seems chronically overlooked.
This sounds like a strong push from you to want more from him. This could be really rich material where you work out what is going on for you. This desire is information and your respective responses could provide yet further information.
I push against my therapist very hard and I can be really nasty to her. The work for me is not whether I can be successful at hurting her (although I still try), but to work out what is happening for me when I shove her. She might use her response to my push (typically, her response is to either feel defensive or to want to rush in and rescue me) as an indication of something, but I remain at the centre. For example, she might say something like "I can feel you pushing me and I feel that I need to defend myself. Usually when you push like this, you are feeling vulnerable. Are we getting close to something frightening?" On a bad day, she gets angry and fights back, but never mind that for now. Similarly, whether you can get him to acquiesce to your desires (about email, standing up, handshakes, notification about returning to remote sessions, etc) is not a negotiation that means very much, not least because the nature of desire means that our list of desires is endless. It is the fact that you want so strongly which indicates stuff about you. He should be skilled enough to look at your push for more without retreating and prioritising his own (defensive, avoidant, judgmental?) response.
To be honest, his approach sounds basic and he sounds dim. My sense is that you could really get in amongst the relational stuff if you were provided with some strong guidance. You are bright. You have lots of energy for therapy and you are able to think in great detail about what is happening. I think you are a more skilled client than he is therapist. I feel frustrated because I don't like dim men doing bright women a disservice so maybe I am projecting my stuff all over your situation.
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If you're projecting, Comrade, then you're in good company! [emoji12] I feel all kinds of frustrated with LT's therapist and want to give him a good firm shaking too knock some sense into him. (I would say a good talking-to, except I'm not sure that would be a effective.)
LT, what you're getting from therapy with him is a band-aid at best. Plus, the relationship stuff that you could be working on, that is for some therapists the meat of therapy, is being ignored. You're even being put off when you bring it up. I think that, with a skilled therapist who works with and through the relationship stuff, you could make so much more progress.
I went to therapy for years and only focused on managing my symptoms and dealing with crises as they came up. It wasn't until I truly opened up and started this type of relational therapy that I made real progress in improving my depression. It took about 2 years, but after that my depression was so much better that I would say it was almost gone. I had suffered from severe depression for more than 20 years at that point (I held my demanding job, barely, but had no personal life).
You should make the decision that is right for you. Don't do anything based on some randos on the Interwebz. I'm just sharing my story because it might be relevant.
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