You make some really good points here, CNS. Will reply more later, but I think you're onto something here. I also know he hasn't done much personal therapy. I asked him early on, and he gave an odd look and said, "Well, as part of my grad school program I had to." But it seems like he only did what was required. So I don't think he's overly aware of how his own stuff affects things.

In terms of boundaries, this is a really random thing, but I think of one time when he randomly mentioned "I don't let my wife go in my dresser drawers," like not to put away laundry or anything. Or how his sister-in-law asked his wife after like 7 years if it was OK to give him a hug because he gave off a standoffish vibe (he was OK with the hug). I feel like he just has really strong "keep away" boundaries about certain things, in both his personal and professional life, more so than most people I've known do. (Meanwhile, apparently he's completely fine having a phone conversation with his wife in front of me.) I feel like that likely stems from *something.* But he probably feels like other people have too loose boundaries.