Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
Yeah, I do wonder if I'm doing this. I'm trying to get from him what I didn't get from my dad. And I've been getting lots of support and validation from Dr. T recently. But now it feels like I've messed up, and I don't know how to get back in his good graces, aside from leaving him alone. And that's really painful for me.
It also feels like I was "bad." I know I have the whole "good girl" thing from childhood, where I had to follow the rules (in general and people's individual rules) in order to be loved and accepted. And my mom gave me the message that annoying (or "irritating," to use his word) someone is one of the worst things. I did tell Dr. T that earlier this week, and he seemed to get it. Maybe?
So even now, when I feel I broke the rules, it's like, "Well, there goes the love and support." It feels like it's my fault because I wasn't perfect. Like, I ruined something else. When I know much of this is about Dr. T's weaknesses and personal/therapeutic boundaries (and also that he can't be my parent).
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Boy do I (still) relate to that "good girl" thing. Big time. Even at work still, when I call a member about their email they sent and they start yelling at me my immediate go-to inner response is "Oh no I'm in trouble" and I feel myself start to cry. Most times anymore I can stop it before I start crying but every now & then I still get a little teary. The "Oh no I'm in trouble, it's all my fault, they don't love me anymore, I'm not good enough" has nothing to do with the stranger on the phone of course but the inside reaction is there nonetheless, little Artie being afraid of the same thing - loss of love and support. It's huge. (I think now in retrospect, going on 6 months out from stopping therapy, I'm starting to understand that maybe I just hit the end of L's capacity for abandonment/relationship work when her response became "I'm not your mother or grandmother" "stop making this about me" and "I don't work that way.")