i dont have any... not in my ability to cope.. not in my ability to make a whole life for myself.. alone.

some major career opportunities/developments have forcedme to consider the big real world really really really fast... im scared and im alone. No.. i dont know how to empower myself.. thats why im in therapy.. i dont know how to do this stuff.. T is teaching me stuff most people learned a long time ago.. but he is away



Another week.

im really scared and confused and i dont know where to start... everything is happening all at once and i dont have the first sweet clue how to DO any of this.

i know it sounds stupid.. i know it does. But i never learned how to be truly independent or self reliant in so many important ways. On the one side i was independent and extroverted from birth practically... on the other, for many complicated reasons, i didn't have good full role models, or teaching in good self confidence or inner reliance. i got what i have by watching people and trying to mimic, it has carried me far, but there wasnt anything of that deeper internalized component. So.. like i told T.. i know how to *act* confident... not how to *be* confident... and that extends to many necessary skills and interanl strengths. When i got old enough i was actively discouraged and when i formed outside relationships many of them took away from me... or worse.

NO ONE who knows me would ever know this... ever guess how terrified i am every day. i do all that stuff of "do it anyway"... i've been doing that all my life. My problem is back-asswards from most people. i told myself all those things that all the "feel good" books, etc say to tell oneself. Been there... done it... its empty. %#@&#! empty.

it's not unusal for someone to say directly to me that they wish they could be like me... trust me, no one should ever wish to be like me. This is a hard place to live.. in here.

i need my T.. i need a compass inside and i dont know how to find mine..