Today was bad bad bad.
Oh my gosh.

So first of all my history teacher had made a promise with me last week. She would let me go to my last CHA (cultural heritage awareness) meeting during her class today if I promised to stay after school and take her test. So we pinkie swore on it. Yeah, well I get to class today and she wouldn’t allow Claire and I to go to the meeting. She made us stay to hear her Vietnam speaker, Mr. Osborne. I could care less about the guest speaker I wanted to go to my meeting and she had promised! Yet what am I to do. She is the teacher and so I just smiled politely and took my seat. Still though I had to stay after to take her test and I chatted with her for a good 45 minutes about college plans and Oprah and plenty of other things. She is a sweet woman.

I kept snapping my hair tie on my wrist and my whole wrist is red and stiped a bit. I don't know what is up with this habbit.

John picked me up at 4 and we had to rush home and pick up my medicine and then rush back to town for my doctor’s appointment. I had to get a shot and my meds refilled. Man did that shot hurt. John was pretty irritable and cranky in the car. Oh FYI John is my step dad. I just realized I should probably tell you that. Anyway, so I said “why are you so grouchy today?” and he said “I’m unhappy.” I was like what? What does that mean? Unhappy with what? So he said “I’m unhappy” again and that was the end of it.

That really made me worry. I was afraid he would bring alcohol into the house again and get drunk and do all those things he does when he drinks. I am always terrified of that. I know I am just a worry wart but that is always on my mind. Once he was drunk and he was walking down stairs and my mom always told us to stay away from him when he was drunk. She told us we were supposed to stay in our rooms with the door locked, but this one time I didn’t have enough time to get to my room and so I said “what are you doing” and he was like “I was on my way to go blow my brains out until you got in my way” He was a cop so there were lots of guns in our house. I was so scared. I am always scared. I would have nightmares of him shooting my mom and I would wake up in the middle of the night from them and have to go into my mom’s room just to make sure she was breathing or I couldn’t sleep. I would stand next to her bed and listen to her breathing, and then I could sleep.

Anyway so I told my mom when we got home that John said he was unhappy. I wasn’t telling to get him in trouble or make my mom mad but because I was worried of what would happen if he was depressed again. Well, my mom went and talked to him and then next thing I know they are having a fight and it was my entire fault. It is always all my fault. Every single time it is all my fault. I wanted to cry but I knew I couldn’t so I sat on the stairs and listened and they were arguing and my mom was like why are you unhappy and he was like because I am! My mom said well tell me what is making you unhappy so I can work at it but he couldn’t tell her any specific reasons. So my mom was like john I can tell you I am unhappy with you because a. we don’t have any intimate relationship b. you don’t put me before other things and I forget what c was but then she was like but I get angry that you cant look at me and say I’m unhappy because of this this and this. If we don’t know why you’re unhappy how can I help fix it. So he gets mad and storms off and then my mom was like are you taking Courtney to the pharmacist and he was like why would I take her when she just threw me under the bus. I was like I am sorry I suck at life geez. He said every time I tell her something she goes and repeats it to you. So now he is all mad at me and it is always all my fault. My mom was like well John that was inappropriate she is 16 you don’t go telling her you hate your life. And he said well what was I supposed to tell her? So my mom said you could have said anything under the sun, I have a cold, I had a bad day at work, my head hurts, and she wouldn’t have know the difference. So they argued for a bit more and then my mom took me to the pharmacist and the library.

So I feel like crap now. It is always my fault. I am just trying hard to stay away from the knives.

Anyway, sorry for this ramble.