Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
It seems that you continue focusing on what he does or doesn’t do or feels or doesn’t feel or needs or doesn’t need or what disorder he might or might not have (ton of stuff appears to be just a speculation and wild guess on what he needs to do in order to improve etc)
Not saying you should stop caring but longer he continues being the entire focus of your existence and main subject of your thoughts, longer you will be stuck and live in misery. The way it goes you will be 80 and still guessing what disorders he might have and what type of therapy he might need. Having your entire existence wrapped up around a man is not healthy even in the happiest of marriages. Sometimes people are hyper focused on real or potential or imaginary disorders of others because it distracts from focusing on their own life and facing the reality. Take focus of him for a minute
You cannot fix other people or control what they need to do. You can only control yourself. Focus on improving your life and your kids’.
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Thanks divine. His doctors direct those things. I only say the diagnosis that they gave him, and repeat the plan they wrote with him, although I know it’s not a perfect science. I did ask him last week if he was being honest with his doctor about how things are going- he then contacted his doc and they upped his medication based on whatever they talked about, and rescheduled his appts sooner since now they know he will be losing insurance. They wrote him three months prescription to get through the period when he will have no insurance. It’s happened before where he let that lapse. It’s traumatic going through someone suddenly going off medication and the chaos it caused. It’s happened at least twice over the last four years.
I guess it seems that all I think about is him but it’s not the case. I focus on my daughter, my job, my home, and I’ve been having counseling twice a week. I socialize here and there, and engage in hobbies here and there, I will be starting weekend art classes soon. I like to get out and do things, he doesn’t, but that doesn’t stop me from going.
I’m sorting through how to make this big decision that apparently would be easy for others to make. Between the way I was raised, and the way the relationship progressed, I believed it was impossible to leave him. I constantly looked for the silver lining until a few years ago when I realized that was not proper thinking on my part and I was exhausted by it. I don’t invent disorders for him to avoid looking at me. I figured I was doing something wrong, having too high of expectations, or thinking I am just collateral damage of his anger at others in his past (which he talked about very regularly). I didn’t recognize my own needs, which was a huge problem. I was caught up reacting to things that were happening. Once I realized I am important and I can trust myself, then I started having better boundaries.
I don’t think I properly process some things due to my past, and I need to work through things because of that. I can be manipulated through shaming. I shut down when people are angry. Since I have these issues, I am more empathetic to others who have such issues.
I know that I can’t fix or control others. I’m working on believing deep down that it would be okay, right, or safe to leave him. I know I can make a decision (which I guess would be divorce action) without working out all the details and kinks in my mind and heart first, but then I’m facing sizable fear without the advantage of feeling really great about it.
It’s easier to say keep enjoying the house we’ve worked on and worked for, let him enjoy it, keep the main parts of the home neutral and healthy as possible. Let his chaos be contained in one area. Keep my boundaries strong. Promote healthy space for daughter to develop and thrive. Keep repairing the house until it’s presentable again (metaphorically and tangibly). But it’s so much work, perhaps more work than resources available and may always be less than ideal, so it also makes sense to start over.