Had a 30-minute extra session with Dr. T this morning (he regularly works Sunday mornings). It helped, but I'm still processing some of what he said.

Dr. T: "What did you want to talk about?"

Me [starting to cry]: "I guess...so I was in a lot of distress Friday night, just feeling really bad about the session. And stuck in a way, because I wanted to email, but felt like I couldn't, that it would only make things worse with you, that you'd be like, 'What are you doing, LT???'

He said that his level of irritation was actually very minor. And he'd tried to make it clear. Me: "But it didn't feel that way. When you asked me why I sent the Thursday email (after we'd just had a discussion about my text check-ins being irritating), it felt like you was saying, 'Why would you send that email? Are you a f---ing idiot?'" He asked if I realized my tone and words were much harsher than what he'd used. I said yes, but that it's how it felt to me. He said he had intentionally tried to be as gentle as possible all session. Me: "Well...your tone may have been harsher than you thought." Dr. T: "It may have been. I can't hear myself."

Dr. T: "I'm not sure how to say this." He took off his glasses and put his hand to his forehead, clearly thinking. Me: "I'm sorry." Dr. T: "You don't even know what I'm going to say!" Me: "I know, I'm just preparing myself for something like, 'This isn't how I do therapy, so...'"

Dr. T: "That's not what I was going to say. I'm not sure if this will come out wrong. So I'm just going to say it. I think it's rather ironic that you're an editor. Because I find it to be very difficult to give you any sort of 'redirection' or...this might sound harsher than I mean it--criticism." Me: "Feedback?" Dr. T: "OK, let's say 'feedback.' But it's difficult because even something really minor sends you into this dark place." I said I knew that was an issue for me and has been in my outside life, too. And how it's something we should work on in there.

He said the editor part was ironic because my job is to redirect people's writing, but I have trouble being redirected myself. I said I thought they were different things, plus it's not like I tend to work directly with the authors, just make corrections to the work. (It occurs to me just now that I also would never tell the authors they have "irritated" me, no matter how bad the writing was!)

I went back to talking about Friday night. I said that afternoon, I had to take D to get her Covid booster, so it was like I had to function. But not long after I got home, I totally crashed. That I was talking to friends and trying other coping mechanisms, like music, but it wasn't really helping. And the thing about not feeling I could email.



We talked about how I've been under a lot of stress lately. Dr. T: "It sounds like you're just exhausted, that you don't have reserves left." Me: "Yes. And it makes me think of how you'd said you were trying to give me grace during this period because I'm stressed. But I wondered: What would it have looked like had you *not* given me grace? Would you have terminated me? Taken away email privileges? Yelled at me?"

Dr. T: "I did give you grace, up until I realized the check-in texts (confirming in-person that day) had become a more regular thing. But remember, they were just a minor irritation."

Dr. T: "The message I want get across to you is that people irritate each other all the time. It's inevitable. For example, my wife and son have already irritated me this morning, and I've probably irritated them threefold. But it's not the end of the world."

Me: "I still prefer to try to avoid irritating people." Dr. T: "I know that--you probably try harder to avoid it than any other person in [our state]. But I don't want you to get the message that you should try to avoid irritating people. But that it's going to happen, and it's OK that it does."

I said how I'd looked back at my emails, like when the increased contact started. And it coincided almost exactly with when we got the bad assessment results for D. I said how he's given me so much support with that, and I feared having it go away. So anything that threatens the relationship or our sessions worries me. Me: "For example, the tornado warning Friday, with your wife calling to ask you to leave the session. Thanks for staying in here with me, by the way."

We also had a discussion about reassurance that included his saying he does reassure me, but that it's probably not as strong as what I want.

I said I knew we had to stop, that maybe we could continue the conversation a bit tomorrow--confirmed the time and in person. Me: "So, thanks for meeting with me today. Bye." Dr. T: "Bye."