View Single Post
Joshua Bright
Newly Joined
 
Member Since May 2022
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1
2
1 hugs
given
Default May 29, 2022 at 02:32 PM
 
It seems like nothing works out.
My father died when I was 12 with my entire childhood being watching him deteriorate until it finally happened. He told me some stuff that would've been inappropriate for my age like at 8 mentioning how he would want to kill himself due to the pain his disease caused him, but he tried his best to give me a dad and probably only stayed around to be able to do so. Afterward I always just felt broken I couldnt relate to my peers or just about anyone, I had trouble and even an inability forming any kind of bonds. It left me extremely lonely even in a room full of people that were my friends. During my adolescence I never really felt any kind of serious attraction and just decided maybe it was something I couldn't form and accepted that. I ended up leaving school and getting a GED to focus on helping my mother on our farm. After hitting 18 and during covid I decided I needed to do something to live up to the man that put himself through suffering just to give me a father. I focused on being better, having goals and even reached a point of satisfaction in that maybe I couldn't be happy but I can be content.
I ended up meeting a friend through a friend and what I thought couldnt happen happened, I fell in love. I fought against the feeling but eventually gave in and asked her out and she said yes. It seemed like things went well for the 2 months it lasted and as I wanted things to advance, she dumped me saying she "wasnt ready for a relationship" along with all her reasons why and if I was okay just being friends, I agreed and said that if she wanted to be more again to tell me because I'd like that. I feel really ****** and stupid like all along that feeling of being unable to have that was right and I was an idiot for lying to myself believing it was wrong. It's been 6 months and after a bit I i started trying to get back on track find work off the farm because I'm afraid when my mother eventually dies I'll break the rest of the way. I haven't been very successful yet. I'm still in contact with her, and while we didnt talk much for awhile, we started talking a lot again about a month and a half ago. I just keep seeing all the reasons I'm attracted to her and that I'm still in love with her and I hate it, I hate how much I like her, i hate how much her and I have in common, I hate that I finally found someone that could make me feel as happy as she does and like I could find love something I never thought I could have. I hate how being in love has been more miserabIe than happy.I know it's stupid and I have no right to complain about anything compared to a lot of people especially as I'm only 20. I just feel at the end of my rope because I tried so hard and even succeeded at getting better, and it's just falling apart around me again like how everything did when my dad died.
Joshua Bright is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Breaking Dawn, FloatThruThis, unaluna, Yaowen
 
Thanks for this!
Skeezyks