It seems like nothing works out.
My father died when I was 12 with my entire childhood being watching him deteriorate until it finally happened. He told me some stuff that would've been inappropriate for my age like at 8 mentioning how he would want to kill himself due to the pain his disease caused him, but he tried his best to give me a dad and probably only stayed around to be able to do so. Afterward I always just felt broken I couldnt relate to my peers or just about anyone, I had trouble and even an inability forming any kind of bonds. It left me extremely lonely even in a room full of people that were my friends. During my adolescence I never really felt any kind of serious attraction and just decided maybe it was something I couldn't form and accepted that. I ended up leaving school and getting a GED to focus on helping my mother on our farm. After hitting 18 and during covid I decided I needed to do something to live up to the man that put himself through suffering just to give me a father. I focused on being better, having goals and even reached a point of satisfaction in that maybe I couldn't be happy but I can be content.
I ended up meeting a friend through a friend and what I thought couldnt happen happened, I fell in love. I fought against the feeling but eventually gave in and asked her out and she said yes. It seemed like things went well for the 2 months it lasted and as I wanted things to advance, she dumped me saying she "wasnt ready for a relationship" along with all her reasons why and if I was okay just being friends, I agreed and said that if she wanted to be more again to tell me because I'd like that. I feel really ****** and stupid like all along that feeling of being unable to have that was right and I was an idiot for lying to myself believing it was wrong. It's been 6 months and after a bit I i started trying to get back on track find work off the farm because I'm afraid when my mother eventually dies I'll break the rest of the way. I haven't been very successful yet. I'm still in contact with her, and while we didnt talk much for awhile, we started talking a lot again about a month and a half ago. I just keep seeing all the reasons I'm attracted to her and that I'm still in love with her and I hate it, I hate how much I like her, i hate how much her and I have in common, I hate that I finally found someone that could make me feel as happy as she does and like I could find love something I never thought I could have. I hate how being in love has been more miserabIe than happy.I know it's stupid and I have no right to complain about anything compared to a lot of people especially as I'm only 20. I just feel at the end of my rope because I tried so hard and even succeeded at getting better, and it's just falling apart around me again like how everything did when my dad died.