It's likely everything looks pretty bad from where you are at right now. I've been there; I get it. However, our perspective can change a lot, depending on how well (or how poorly) we're doing.

I do not enjoy a good rapport with my G.P., unfortunately. I cannot access a psychiatrist in my area, unless I go in-patient. And my depression, although it was very bad for a time, was never THAT bad---as I know beds are limited; and frankly, I was terrified to go. I've had a very bad time with any kind of physician, since I moved to Canada. I can relate to what you are saying, and i know how it can make a person feel.

I've had to educate myself about my illnesses, and medications, and all of my self-help/ therapy options. I've had to, in the words of a friend, "become my own doctor", in many ways. So I do understand being in a situation where you are feeling rather adrift and alone.

I like the suggestions downandlonely offered. There is also abundant free info about CBT and DBT online. I have found CBT most helpful with my anxiety problems. I'm not cured, but I'm lightyears ahead of where I once was; and am now able to do a lot more on my own.

Try not to think of your situation as an all-or-nothing proposition. Make a list of what you would like to see happen, and then investigate more ways to make it possible.