I think I may have the exact same issue as another member who posted here several years ago. I have ADHD which makes it even more difficult and the symptoms of it might be exaggerated by experiences and traumas. I am more of a socially oriented and submissive person as well but to a pathological extend as I constantly fear that people will reject me. I have been fantasizing about woman being the dominant one from really early on, but the experiences of being bullied and so on have induced a lot of shame, including shame about my sexuality and feeling as there is something wrong with me. I have started to use femdom as a way to punish and re-traumatize myself and I have never even had a girlfriend because... well because of the shame and my mental health in general.

It seems I have my ideals about what kind of person should I be and I even have some of the healthy qualities. Then there is also the knowledge of societal standards which make me not just ashamed but frightened (experiences). I repeatedly end up in a state where I am passive and unmotivated, anxious depressed, cannot even leave my room and this is when my fantasies get stronger - I just wish someone worth it would take control of my life and I could do anything for them. This repeatedly leads to suicidal ideation.


I am undergoing a CBT therapy and I really cannot see how I would tell this even to my therapist. I know that if I would be OK with this and completely honest and open, the influence it has on me would largely diminish, but where do I start? I don't feel like joining a BDSM forum because I don't want to center my life around this, and around sex in general, but I may have no other choice unless I want to live an unhappy life full of shame.


Thank you!