Somewhat overwhelmed with anxiety this morning. The impulse to let V***** know how I was feeling, to email or text, was persistent and distracting. Walking helped settle me (I’m doing hour-long walks with a weighted bag on my back for fitness).

Can’t quite recall what it was I needed to share with her... Probably just needed to get things off my chest (It’s difficult, sometimes, having no-one around that I can offload onto and, in the past, I’d leaned heavily on V***** for emotional support). I felt weak, upset, vague.

Since I moved out she has gradually withdrawn emotionally. After N***** came along (six years ago), we’d basically been living separate lives together, but there was still companionship. Now she’ll never ask how I’m doing (coming to terms with this was incredibly challenging).


She’s made it clear that I don’t need to share the details of my life. Perhaps it was this that was bothering me? I just completed an intense, week-long swimming course. Previously she’d have been supportive and keen to know all the details. V***** feels this detachment was the right thing (it may well be) and, of course, musing over it only led down a rabbit hole of fanciful, hurtful scenarios.

Interesting to note that my need for her attention and reassurance were such a negative feature of our married life. I realised recently that in my closest relationships I become a child: I’ll stop making an effort or being assertive; I demand attention and nurturing. The sex desire goes. It all turns back onto myself, my emotional needs being met met. Am I looking for a surrogate mother-figure? Someone to love and care regardless?