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Originally Posted by ruh roh
I have come out of retirement to comment on this because it's something I've experienced, and maybe it will help you to hear.
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Hi Ruh Roh, nice to hear from you! How are you doing?
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Like others have said, this guy is not the therapist for the kind of work you're looking for from him. Those kind exist, and they would love to use the therapeutic relationship as a laboratory for seeing how you do life, but it's not just having someone hold all your feelings for you and be gushy. It's painful, hard work, fraught with shame attacks and fear. It's not all about what other people have done wrong. The past is a launching pad for how you experience life now. Some kinds of therapy help you get interested in finding ways as an adult to be more functional and happy with yourself. In relational therapy, you can show up and accuse the therapist of talking too harshly (maybe they did) or being dismissive (probably were)--they don't get defensive, though, they get curious and that makes you curious, and pretty soon you metabolize all those unbearable feelings and come up with a different approach for yourself--and you do that over and over and over and over again. The trust has to be there that they aren't going to walk away when you have a shame attack and freak out, that they're going to stick it out until you can put out the fires in your brain. It's looking deeply at how you experience things and being curious about that. Sure, you can look at the "why" but that gets old, especially once you know the why.
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It helps to hear this description of relational therapy. I know early on, Dr. T had said that maybe I did just want a warm, fuzzy T. And I suppose I thought that's what a relational or humanistic T was, someone who would just validate and accept me, without really challenging me. And I was afraid that would ultimately be a negative for me, because how would that push me? And why would I ever want to leave that environment? So I thought the challenge from Dr. T was good in a way for me. But helps to know a relational T will challenge as well.
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What I see in you is a need to manage other people's feelings, to make sure they don't feel too much or feel in a way that makes you uncomfortable--all coming from a need you may have to also not feel too much in yourself. That's something to be curious about and to wonder if it's working for you the way it did with a child brain. Would your life feel more doable if you let other people have their feelings and you learned to be okay with yours? That's the kind of thing digging deeper can start with, but your therapist doesn't work that way. His way can work for some. It's very practical.
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I hadn't really considered that maybe it's ultimately about trying to not feel too much in myself. As a kid, I was taught that negative emotions (anger, sadness) were bad. I've certainly been able to connect with sadness, but I still struggle with anger. So I guess it would make total sense that if I didn't want to feel anger in myself, I wouldn't want others to be angry at me. Maybe if I could become more OK with my own anger (at others, rather than at myself), then I could handle it better coming from others toward me? Or even not as big as anger, but "irritation," which is what Dr. T keeps referencing.
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I can clearly feel your pain when your therapist doesn't say or do the exact thing you need in order to feel okay. In all honesty though, that's a hamster wheel approach to life. Let's say he messed up and did virtual on a day that you thought was in person? That would feel awful--all kinds of feelings would flood you. Rejection, abandonment, fears of all kinds...lots of great material to work with if you had the right therapist. But I have a feeling with this therapist it would be weeks of you going over exactly what he did wrong and how it hurt you and was like your parents treatment of you (or fill in the blank). Instead, a relational therapist might lead you to finding ways to survive those feelings and carry on, to not be led by fears and fear of feeling things.
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So, that's kind of something that came up today. Where he said in the past I might have just focused on what he did that upset me. But today I was talking about how I didn't want to have that reaction anymore and wanted his help to change. And (this repeats something in another post), he said it was the first time I'd really said that out loud, that I wanted to change my reaction. I think he partly meant that I was recognizing that my reaction was at least a big part of the issue, rather than what Dr. T (or someone else in my life) did.
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All that aside, you might do really well with EMDR. I've had great success with it, even though I was pretty sure it was going to be useless. My therapist (a different one than I had when I used to post here) is full on relational and I can't stand it. She says I limit what we can get to and that's right. I have specific things I'm there for, and that's all I want to work on. It's been really successful for me.
With EMDR, you could work on any number of triggering events--things with your daughter, your husband, past therapists, your mother (who is sounds like also tries to manage other people's feelings).
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I'm glad EMDR has helped you. You're not the only one here mentioning, as you can see, so maybe it's something to look into again (I didn't want to pursue it while most therapists were virtual). And it is a case where Dr. T has said he'd be OK with my seeing a therapist for EMDR while I saw him (obviously I'd be seeing him less), or to take a break from him to do that (maybe not right now, but sometime by year's end).
And you're absolutely correct with my mom. She still does that, try to manage people's feelings.
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Anyway, just wanted to weigh in because I recognize your stuckness and want you to be able to live a great life, not being batted around by what other people say or do. It's very freeing.
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Thanks, I appreciate that. And "stuckness" is a good word!
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btw, Have you watched Couples Therapy on Showtime? The therapist is a rare type--smart, bold and honest.
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I did actually watch the first season and the pandemic episode and found it to be really interesting. Maybe it's time to pay for another month of Showtime and catch up (there were multiple seasons, right?)