I think I've been on some manic roller coaster lately. Had a few down days, but mostly I feel really great. I noticed I've been a little reckless lately. I've been drinking entirely too much caffeine and also taking some psudoephedrine here and there to keep me going. It also controls my appetite which I think I'm getting my eating disorder back. And I love it!
I keep thinking of my past when I used to go out and drink and "party". If it wasn't for my husband, I'd be out there, doing things I may regret.
I am having urges to drink every day, but my husband won't allow it. Also, I told my pdoc that I've been self medicating and she told me I need to go to AA and NA. I have to report back to her to let her know what I am going to do.
I have also been having strange thoughts about suicide. I do not want to do it, but the thoughts enter my brain.
I'm a little paranoid.
I keep thinking about the mental hospital that I was in a few years ago.
I don't know if I'm manic because I'm doing and thinking these "reckless behaviors", or I'm just losing it.
Do you think all the caffeine can be messing me up?
I recently had an increase in Prozac. Can that be an issue?

I just don't understand why suddenly I can't feel content in my lovely home with my fabulous husband. I want to go out and get messed up. I really don't, but the desire's there.

I hope someone can understand what I'm trying to say here.
I'm afraid to talk to anyone, even my therapist.