Monday's session:

I was so anxious for the first part of it--he said he hadn't seen me "this keyed up" in a long time. I'm pretty sure it was because I had things I wanted to say, but was afraid to say them.

After a bit of small talk about the concert I'd attended the night before, I started with how it felt like he had been saying to me in the previous couple sessions that I was overreacting, that I knew he didn’t use those words, but. Dr. T: “Well, you *were* overreacting. Wouldn’t you agree?” Me: “uh….”

I said I felt like he was being critical of how my brain works both Friday and Sunday. Me: “But that’s why I’m here! That’s why I’m in therapy! I don’t want to be like this.” (I was sobbing.) And that I wanted to know if he had ways to help me with that. He looked thoughtful for a minute and said he thinks it was the first time I’ve actually said that I didn’t want to be that way. That usually it’s my talking about what he did that upset or bothered me, but it seemed different now, with me examining my part in it and why I reacted the way I did. So that felt like a breakthrough of sorts, maybe for both of us?

I then said that wanted to tell him something, but I was afraid he’d say it was manipulative. That I’m often afraid of things like that, he’ll say something is manipulative or controlling, because he's said that in the past. I said I wondered if maybe the reason things had gone well between us for a while is that I was following his rules/boundaries and not pushing. He looked a bit puzzled and asked if I meant walking on eggshells, I said kinda. He asked if I'd meant over the past 3-6 months, and I said I'd have to think about it.

I said how I wanted to talk about my comment Friday of “I just want to jump out the window,” when he said nothing (and then I changed to “I want to throw my brain out the window”). I said yesterday that I was afraid he’d think it manipulative. Crying, I said: “But it’s really how I was feeling in that moment, feeling that level of shame that I just wanted to disappear.” He said he didn’t see that as manipulative at all, that I was expressing how I felt. And “Of course I don’t want you to jump out the window.” Me: “Thanks.”

I mentioned how I’d felt the relationship had seemed more secure recently (which I’d said to him before). And that I’d felt more connected to him, “not in a weird or inappropriate way, just that we were understanding each other and in a good place” (or something like that). So maybe then the stuff about the texts felt more jarring.

He said that with the stuff with D’s educational assessments (in April, where she was found to likely have an intellectual disability in addition to known autism), he was trying to be very supportive of me and wondered if I'd felt “particularly emotionally cared for” by him through that. So his then saying he was irritated felt especially harsh. I said it did feel that way, that he was being really supportive. Me: “And sort of…warmer? I’m not sure the right word. You already used caring. Maybe…” (I wanted to say “loving” but wasn't sure how that would land). Dr. T: “Compassionate?” Me: “Yes, you seemed more compassionate. So, yes, it felt more harsh when you went from being very compassionate to being critical.”

We also addressed a couple other things, but those were the main points. I was trying to be very open about what I was experiencing, even though I was scared in some cases, while also being open to what he had to say. It felt like an important session, like I wonder if it could be a turning point of sorts?