I had an embarrassing time today. I don't show my family paranoia or any psychotic-ish symptoms if I can possibly avoid it and I don't think anyone thinks much of those parts of my illness. But today it all came out.

My mom had a plumber at the house doing some work. It was 90 degrees out and we have a dog that can't be around anyone but us so he was in the dog yard where he was continuing to run around and bark despite the heat.

My mom and I had been listening to a podcast and sitting on the couch. She got up and said soemthing about the plumber just needing to turn the water back on. I was playing a game on my phone and didn't think much of it. Except 20 minutes later she still hadn't re-appeared and when I tried to wash my hands the water was still off even though I knew I'd heard the plumber drive off. So I started looking everywhere for her. I couldn't find her anywhere. By now I was getting really scared and convinced the plumber had kidnapped her. I didn't know what to do so I called my sister who tried to calm me down, suggesting places she might be but she wasn't in any of them. I triedi the plumber's boss to see if he had checked in but the boss didn't pick up (thank God). I kept looking and looking and then the plumber reappeared. I asked if he knew where she was; he didn't. I copied his license plate # just in case although by then I was really confused. My sister told me to try calling my aunt before I called the police but I walked out toward the dog yard one more time before I did and that's where my mom was. All that time she had been with the dog. Somehow when I'd looked back there she'd been in different areas than I was looking and she hadn't heard me calling for her.

So now it's all funny (except I am so embarrassed) and everything was fine.


I hate this stupid illness that twists reality and leads to so much misunderstanding and embarrassment over things that seemed perfectly logical at the time.

My therapist appointment was cancelled this week because of the holiday but I have my pdoc Thursday. So I'll get some help (I've also had tactile hallucinations of bugs on my skin the last few days) soon. I hope she doesn't make me up my clozaril dose as that makes me so sleepy although it does take away the bad stuff. Ugh.