I've been seeing this guy for 2 months. I've been happy. He's a nice person. He's smart. We are attracted to each other. He's shown consistent interest. He's accepting of my disability. I really like when we talk about deep stuff together, but we don't always. But there's also things I'm unhappy about. Sometimes I feel nervous around him and I don't know why. Sometimes I don't feel like we connect. He sometimes makes jokes that hurt my feelings. Its happened quite a bit. Small things. Like laughing at me about stuff. I've always expressed my upset, when he's done this, and he's always been apologetic.


Also I do think there are parts of this guy that are not compatible with me and my lived experiences - I have major anxiety and am sensitive and insecure and have trauma from emotional abuse. He stares at me a lot. I hate it. That has gotten better as we've gotten more comfortable with each other. He has 2 adult daughters and he has told them that I am nervous to meet them. It has then made it so much more harder for me to make the trip to actually go to meet them, knowing that they have that knowledge. I feel humiliated. So, so far I haven't gone to visit him yet, he just comes to visit me. I was going to, this weekend, but on Monday I broke down about it. I was really freaking out. He didn't know what to say or how to help. He expressed he's been trying to be mindful of future non-disclosures about me to them, and he said he just said it as a fact, like he wasn't trying to be malicious, and I think he was trying to say it wasn't a big deal for anyone to know that about me, but I'm not sure, since it wasn't specifically said. In the end, he's been saying he wants me to come visit when I'm ready. To me, there's an emotional safety factor that I'm not sure is there re coming to visit.


Last night on the phone, we were joking around. He's going to visit his daughter in Hawaii (she's moving there) at some point. I made a joke about pics he could send me, including a pic of his **** with a lei around it. (Lol, we are weird). He ended up saying his **** was going to get laid in Hawaii. It made me feel terrible. I don't know why I did this, but I went along with the joke - I think I just didn't want to come off as jealous. Then he said that he wasn't going to get laid in hawaii, unless I was coming with him. I mean, nice save, but his comment already made me feel so terrible. Then later, I started asking him in a flirty way if he wanted me. He didn't say anything back. He admitted he was doing terribly, like in a joking way, and that made me feel bad too.


I don't know if this is small stuff. I just.........I wasn't expecting to meet anyone. And it is seeming like more often, I feel hurt by him. It wasn't something I noticed before. But I've cried at least 5 times now bc of something he's said, or done. Like, from the beginning. I don't want that. I was happy single. I was...secure when I was single. I felt free.


We haven't talked about his joke yet. Maybe he isn't happy with us. Sometimes, I'm not happy with us. I'm kind of scared to bring it it up to him. I'm always bringing stuff up to him that I'm upset about, it seems like. I know I'm insecure. And to anyone who responds, please do not judge me for that.


I do wonder if I need to take a step back from this. There have been times I've wanted to break up - like the time I learned he'd told his daughters about my anxiety. This time, when I say take a step back, I mean just...stop moving so fast. But I am also now feeling this kind of.......anger towards him. Like this low level simmering pissed feeling.


This might not work out. It hurts. But yeah.


There is a part of me that wonders, that even though he's a good person, maybe he isn't the right fit for me. Maybe no one is.


I keep seeing these memes on facebook with messages like "Pay attention to how your nervous system responds to people" and "If you get that gut feeling that something isn't right about a person or situation, trust it." He is a good guy, not a bad guy. But maybe that's not enough. I don't know.


I think its also important for me to say...its possible I need more to do and maybe...I'm not engaged enough mentally, and focused on this crap instead. But I think it's crap that is real. I'm just wondering if my mental health may be tied up in my relationships, so to speak. I don't know.


With responses here, I am looking for validation - validation doesn't mean you have to agree with me. But I need kindness. I am looking for outside perspective, in a kind / nice way. I don't know if this is small stuff, or big stuff. It feels big. It feels really big. Maybe that is what matters. How *I* feel. I just...it's also important for me to say that I don't consistently feel one way or another about him. I'm not consistently dissatisfied with him. Often I really like him. Part of me isn't sure I should do anything until I am more unhappy more often. At the same time, he was here last weekend, and I was having these thoughts of like..."maybe this won't work out." (Sometimes I feel so disconnected from him). I think I've had those thoughts throughout our time together more than I'd like to admit. I remember early on saying to my Mom that I think this thing has a "stopping point," so to speak.

But I also don't want to bring another thing up to him that I'm hurt by, and push him away.


I'm pretty conflicted right now.