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Bill3 you said that to hesitate is to live with uncertainty. Do you mean hesitating about moving forward with the guy I'm seeing? It does feel uncertain. But I'm okay. I'm scared. Of if I break up with him, I will miss him, want him back, and then get burned. But BreakingDawn was so wise in what she said, and it gave me some strength. I also don't feel like I need to figure this out today. Even though at some times, I want to. I haven't talked to him about any of this. (I feel like I'm always talking to him about how he makes me feel bad and I'm sick of it). I'm sure we will talk later though. Let me know if you meant something different, Bill.
Can I say more about my anger towards him? Yes. I don't feel safe. With him. Emotionally. I don't trust him to make me feel at ease in front of his daughter if I do go visit him. I feel angry that he has said very hurtful things to me in jest. They may seem small to some. It's not, to me. His comment about Hawaii hurt me a lot. He knows I am insecure. But he still said it.

I entertained the idea of breaking up with him today. It felt good. I do not feel like myself anymore. I feel cringey all the time. Even alone. It's weird.
Side note: I have told my Mom many times how much I like him. That I have a total crush. That I feel love. Though now I'm not sure that's what it is. But it's like...there are sides to this. More than one facet.
His laughing at me: I really think he's a bit emotionally stupid. It's nothing mean spirited. But like an example would be that I was telling him about my grandma, but that she was dead. And I said it kind of funny and he laughed. I really loved my grandma. Once he called me lame in front of his daughter. It hurt. It was weird.
Side note: I'm not sure I want to be a part of his daughter's lives. I know that sounds bad but I just....hearing him interact with them, I just know I'd never fit in. It's very uncomfortable for me.
How free do I feel in the relationship? I don't feel free. I don't feel secure. I hate that. I like this guy a lot. Bc we do have good times together. I'm sure that if I were to tell him about how bad his comment made me feel, he would give me a hug and apologize. Also he seems to like me a lot. And I don't know where this insecurity is coming from in me. It's just how I am biologically, maybe, in relationships? I don't know. I do know that in an underlying way, I feel nervous around him. Cringey. I can feel it in certain places in my body. There's an emotional safety that isn't there for ME. He's a good guy but it's like I feel like exposed and not in a good way.
I don't particularly think.....that this is all me. It may be the fit. Of us. In the back of my mind...I weirdly compare him to a character in a book I read recently: the main character was dating this guy. She liked the sex and felt the pressure to be with someone. But their relationship wasn't going to work. They were too different. I think about him and the guy character she was seeing.
I am not going to figure this out today. Probably. But im open to feedback and possible guidance here.
I appreciate iate the feedback you have given, too, btw.