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@Bill3 you said that to hesitate is to live with uncertainty. Do you mean hesitating about moving forward with the guy I'm seeing? It does feel uncertain. But I'm okay. I'm scared. Of if I break up with him, I will miss him, want him back, and then get burned. But BreakingDawn was so wise in what she said, and it gave me some strength. I also don't feel like I need to figure this out today. Even though at some times, I want to. I haven't talked to him about any of this. (I feel like I'm always talking to him about how he makes me feel bad and I'm sick of it). I'm sure we will talk later though. Let me know if you meant something different, Bill.
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Yes, this is what I was getting at: The ability to be in the relationship in the moment, with the conflicted feelings you have, without having to know/decide where the relationship will end up.
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Can I say more about my anger towards him? Yes. I don't feel safe. With him. Emotionally. I don't trust him to make me feel at ease in front of his daughter if I do go visit him. I feel angry that he has said very hurtful things to me in jest. They may seem small to some. It's not, to me.
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It does not seem small to me at all.
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His comment about Hawaii hurt me a lot. He knows I am insecure. But he still said it.
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Yes, exactly. The possibility of the joke was there, but a person who was a better fit for you in that moment would not have made the joke, they would have let it pass.
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I entertained the idea of breaking up with him today. It felt good. I do not feel like myself anymore. I feel cringey all the time. Even alone. It's weird.
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Side note: I have told my Mom many times how much I like him. That I have a total crush. That I feel love. Though now I'm not sure that's what it is. But it's like...there are sides to this. More than one facet.
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Can you say a little more about the multiple facets?
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His laughing at me: I really think he's a bit emotionally stupid. It's nothing mean spirited.
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A dancer who is stepping on his partner's feet may not be mean-spirited but he still is causing pain, and needs to improve his footwork.
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But like an example would be that I was telling him about my grandma, but that she was dead. And I said it kind of funny and he laughed. I really loved my grandma. Once he called me lame in front of his daughter. It hurt. It was weird.
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I'm really sorry these things happened.
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Side note: I'm not sure I want to be a part of his daughter's lives. I know that sounds bad but I just....hearing him interact with them, I just know I'd never fit in. It's very uncomfortable for me.
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I don't think that sounds bad at all. Let me offer a personal example. Suppose I am seeing someone and their family members are all are intense, knowledgeable students of art history. They discuss this topic constantly. I have nothing against that, in fact I admire it, but my reaction upon thinking about meeting them is that I am not going to fit in with these people, I am not going to measure up, I am going to feel intimidated and silenced, I'm not sure I want to be part of that family. Maybe it would work out and everything would be fine, but it would be up to the person I am dating to be aware of my concern, smooth the way, set me at ease.
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How free do I feel in the relationship? I don't feel free. I don't feel secure. I hate that.
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It sounds like you value feeling free and secure a lot. The guy is fun, but how much can he help you feel free and secure in the relationship?
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And I don't know where this insecurity is coming from in me. It's just how I am biologically, maybe, in relationships? I don't know. I do know that in an underlying way, I feel nervous around him. Cringey. I can feel it in certain places in my body. There's an emotional safety that isn't there for ME. He's a good guy but it's like I feel like exposed and not in a good way.
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I don't particularly think.....that this is all me.
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I agree. You--and all of us--deserve a partner who knows, and who avoids, moves that don't work for us, that bring us anxiety, pain. And if we--any of us--are with someone who has a tendency to make moves that don't work for us, then we are going to feel uncomfortable, insecure in the relationship.
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I appreciate iate the feedback you have given, too, btw.
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Thank you so much for your kind words.
