Today’s session was helpful, although it was hard work. R came in, sat down, and asked how I was doing. ‘I’m here now. I’ve been thinking about you – I sense there’s been a process leading up to this session.’
‘There has indeed. Thank you for your e-mail. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted the candle, and then I decided that I did. Then there was some real world practice in asking for what I needed…’
‘In order to get materials?’
‘Yes. Could you light it?’
‘Of course.’
‘I had a loose plan for this week, but something happened on Monday that kind of derailed it. Back in March, I attended an online workshop combining the mindful drawing practice of Zentangle with grief support. Pieces from the workshop were to be included in an exhibition that would start on the 25th of May. The 25th came and went, and I didn’t hear anything. On Monday, I received an e-mail with photos and a copy of the digital booklet.’
I passed her a printed copy of my page, and showed her a picture of my piece in context.
‘What jumps out at me here is “honouring my feelings”.’
‘That’s why I shared it with you, because you know what it’s taken for me to get here.’
‘Thank you for sharing it with me.’
‘In my e-mail to you, I alluded to the second letter to Steve.’
‘Yes.’
‘That now exists, but I’m not sure whether to read it today or next week.’
I muttered to myself as I tried to find it. ‘Better organisation would be a plus.’
‘You are very organized.’
I unfolded the piece of paper and sat there with it for a moment.
‘Take your time.’
I batted away the thought that if I took too much time we’d be there until next week.
Finally I began to read. I reached for R’s hand as I came to the last paragraph. ‘It’s very close to the surface now.’

R made a noise that seemed to indicate she understood.
‘Nothing bad is going to happen.’
I felt R tighten her grip as I got closer to reading the phrase I had trouble with.
‘This is your truth.’
‘You were so loved, and you ****ing left.’
I battled with myself to get to the end of the letter.
When I finally finished, R said ‘Well done for writing your truth and sharing it with me.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Are you frustrated with yourself?’
‘I am.’
‘I have the sense that you didn’t get what you needed from reading that aloud?’
‘Who am I trying to protect?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Who am I trying to protect from the full force of my anger? When I’ve been around people expressing anger in the past, it’s a sharp thing and then it’s done. This feels like a sticky substance.'
‘Yes.’ R’s next words floored me.
‘Your core belief is that you’re not allowed to be angry.’
'My core belief is that I’m not allowed to be angry. It’s OK to be angry that somebody when they have done something that inconveniences you like buying elastic shoelaces for a pair of shoes that were not designed to use them.’
‘In a situation like that, there is a path to repair.’
‘Not buying any more elastic shoelaces!’
‘It’s not an immediate end to the relationship, but there is something different about this.’
‘I find it hard to believe that he is at peace now, because of that final act. It comes to knowing too much, and I’m not talking about the theatre newsletter, although I could be. When I read the blurb to the crowd funding campaign, I don’t know or I can’t remember who wrote it, but they wrote “We believe that Steve would want you to know…” I reached for R’s hand again.

‘Peace and desperation are opposites in my book.’
R compared this to somebody who is addicted to drugs looking for their next hit.
‘There’s the hope that it’s a moment, and it will change.’
‘I can’t remember where I read it, but I’ve never forgotten what he wrote about the sense of calm when the decision is made.’
R then said that she was aware of the time, and didn’t want to leave me in a difficult place.
‘Is there anything left over?’
‘Next week, other than the change of time and day, nothing else changes, right?’

‘Nothing changes.’

R then got up and said ‘You can stay sitting, but I want to give you a little hug now. You’ve worked really hard today.’

‘Thank you. I am really hoping that this change of work to Thursdays will be temporary.’

‘Is there some anxiety there? I can be flexible. As long as you want me around, we can make it work. I always have space for you.’

Our breathing focused on releasing any tension built up in my body.

R asked whether I wanted her to blow the candle out.

‘I’d like to be the one to do that.’

‘I’ll hold it. That’s a nice way to end the session.’