Sending compassionate hugs. I did not endure the horrors you have gone through...and yet what I did endure has still shaped my life in a number of ways.

I remember very well the horrible coldness that would sweep over me when I realized neither of my parents were ever really cut out for the job. My brother and I suffered so much unnecessary harshness at their hands. But I think, ultimately, it made us both far more compassionate and empathic people.

If you can find help anywhere online, I would utilize that as much as possible.

There is a Childhood Emotional Neglect forum on here, on the first, long forums index, under the sub-heading of Mental Health Support. You're always welcome to visit with understanding people there. (It's not the busiest forum, but everyone there is really kind and helpful.)

And remember: NO ONE, and nothing they do now, is worth contemplating you taking your own life. Naturally, I wish they did not make you feel this way. You CAN get through this, and you will become stronger for doing so. You will also find your own freedom to walk the path you choose, someday. Hang on to that!

Wishing you the kind of relief that comes with understanding that you are not alone.