My parents were always very open about the adoption and I remember them telling me it was fine if I wanted to know more about my birth mother. When I was about 13 or 14, I remember a talk I had with my mother where I expressed a desire to search for my birth mother. She immediately burst into tears and I felt horrified, like the worst daughter ever, for making her cry. I guess in theory those desires were okay been when they became reality, she wasn't prepared. I don't think we ever talked about that incident, but I was pretty unwilling to talk about my desires for more information for many years and she apparently did whatever she needed to do to be okay with it eventually. I don't know what kind of books were available back then. I definitely think adoptive parents need to do some work on themselves in order to handle the feelings that come up in themselves and in their children. There are three parties in this triad, and one of them had no say in the matter.