Woke up out of a nightmare, again. This time I was being forced back into the hospital because I couldn’t tell my clinician the date. In my dream I thought it was still 2018 and then I amended to 2020 but that wasn’t right either. I had to tell my son that I had to leave again and he was devastated. Then I was terrified they’d send me to the state hospital.

I seriously never want to be IP again. They don’t help. I have to exercise more self control if I run into crises. I think I can do that. I’m organizing my treatment binder, highlighting the most useful parts, and getting the little post it arrows. That way I can flip through depending on how I’m feeling and find a skill more quickly.

I also have a small notebook for my satchel that has a list of emergency ground skills. Im arming myself this time. I will not leave work and I will NOT go IP again. No no no.