These are good points, thanks.

What doesn't help here is also that ex-MC tended to suggest that my reactions tended to be the issue in my marriage, not what H said or did. In reality, I'm sure it's a combination. But it often felt like he'd be implying--or sometimes saying directly--that it was my anxiety that was the problem (see your reference of males referring to women as "hysterical"). Or if H and I had an argument, his main point would be "well, you got through it, you're still together." Rather than addressing the root cause of the argument (especially when they're recurring ones).

Hm...and that's very similar to Dr. T's thing about how ruptures and conflicts ultimately make relationships stronger. And that I should trust that he wouldn't just terminate me or take away something (like email privileges) unless I either did something really bad or without multiple discussions about it beforehand. And the thing about trusting in the relationship.

I'm thinking out loud here, so maybe this doesn't seem to tie together. But I think it's "your (over)reactions are the problem" and "you need to just trust in the relationship" (whether it be my relationship with Dr. T, my H, whoever) that tie in together, because it all puts the blame on me and my failings.

But none of this is giving me the *tools* to trust in the relationship. And it's also putting the blame on me, in a sense, for not trusting. When isn't some of it potentially on the other person to help me feel secure in it? (Yes, I know, I can't rely on another person to make me feel secure....)

And I'm sure it's completely shocking (not) that I got messages in childhood that I'm oversensitive. But not really tools from my parents to overcome that. Like my mom might have said not to cry in front of other people (and acting like it was the worst thing ever), but didn't teach me how to contain my emotions. So the first time I started crying in front of a boss at work or a boyfriend, my thoughts went to "Oh, no, now I've messed this up. I'm going to get fired/broken up with, etc."

OK, I need to think on some of this more.... And ex-T seemed critical of my reacting too strongly to things as well. But I think some of it comes down to people (T's and outside life) expecting me to magically be emotionally strong/resilient and trusting in relationships without helping me figure out the tools to do so. Like I'm being thrown on a sailboat and expected to figure out how to sail without any instruction.