Hi Arbie, I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I know I have done so many negative things to myself that I would never dream to do to another person--so I get where you are coming from. I don't know if you have ever tried counseling but it might help. It is hard to break those old thoughts that something isn't abuse unless it is happening to someone else. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) may be helpful, although personally it is not my favorite type of therapy but it is good for challenging negative thoughts which it sounds like you have negative thoughts about yourself. I am sorry you were treated wrongly as a child. You didn't deserve it. No child does. They deserve love, care, protection, and to know that they are worthy. You deserve all of these things now, it is just much harder as an adult to overcome our past and get to that place of self acceptance and love. But, my friend, it is possible.

Do you know if it is possible to stop yourself before you engage in such behaviors? Is there something that you can do to intercept them, and head them off? For me, I have three friends that I can call, text, whatever and they will support me. That has truly been life-saving and has really helped me on my journey to free myself from self harm. I am at 102 days free of self harm but over the past 2.5 years I have only done self harm a few times. I feel like I am on the road to recovery--but here's the thing, I couldn't do it alone. I needed people who would stand by me and support me. If you don't have friends like that in your life, but I hope you do, there are other options. Have you heard of NAMI? They are the National Alliance on Mental Illness and they run free support groups all around the United States. I would wager there is one by you. I am in a rural place and we have one. I would recommend you check it out. People go there from all walks of life and with all sorts of mental illnesses but still there is common ground.

The other thing is to do things for yourself that foster self love and self acceptance. Take care of yourself. Eat right. Exercise. Get enough sleep. Shower consistently. Etc. The more you take care of yourself as you should be taken care of, the more that you will begin to believe that you are worthy of being taken care of. But I think it is going to take some more intervention than just that. Those things help but alone they aren't enough. I encourage you to seek someone out on your journey that can help you. A friend. A group of friends. A professional. A priest. A support group. Someone.

In the meantime, feel free to write here and to get support here. I hear you.

HUGS, if wanted, Kit.