Hi LT. there's a lot I wanted to say in reply to your post so this might be long winded.

Firstly I fully accept I might be taking things you say and seeing them through my own red flag experience. When I first joined here I was seeing a T who reminds me of how you describe your T. She was very much out of her depth with my needs. She would make me feel ashamed sometimes of my needs, like needing contact or needing her was wrong or weird somehow. So I spent hours thinking about it and her, how to avoid her rejection, how to follow the "rules" so that I pleased her. I even thought I made progress in that time and I would tell everyone they didn't understand how we wormed. It blew up. One day she was burnt out and walked out. That was our last session and it was devastating.

Moving on to my current therapist. It's been 5 years and I only just used the word trust with her, and it wasn't even to say I fully trusted her but just that I trusted one aspect. I no longer think about what I say or who I have to be to avoid rejection.

2 years ago I started seeing an EMDR therapist . She deals with trauma in both adults and children. She is extremely compassionate and as well pushed me to talk fully about my childhood. I also didn't spend time thinking about our relationship or how to avoid being rejected because I felt secure. When I left she gave me a small object so that I could feel connected with her any time I needed to

My emetophpbia has 3 parts to it

1. Is the just stimuli of being sick. I'm intending to start a course of exposure therapy but I couldn't even think of it until dealing with part 2 and 3.

2. The mixed up thoughts surrounding being ill. Being messy, being "bad", causing other people any kind of anger or upset. This has been dealt with quite well in EMDR therapy. I have finally released a lot of stress caused by an unstable and angry surrounding in childhood.

3. The distraction part. It's like the circumstances I was in as a child were too overwhelming for me to deal with and a way of escaping (mentally) was to obsess and worry and concern myself with being suck. Right now I'm very anxious about something I'm going to be doing and my emetophobia has ramped up a bit. It's like the chaos and discomfort I was in as a kid needed a "safe" outlet and this was it.

Thinking about therapy and my therapist was a way of avoiding dealing with the real core of things. I think because somewhere deep in me I knew she couldn't handle it. I felt unacceptable for my needs and tried to change who I was to fit the therapy because I thought I would die if I was rejected.

Finding someone who can sit with who you really are and who can sort through the broken glass with you, it's something worth fighting for. You deserve to find peace. DBT and CBT aren't always helpful with complex trauma and attachment issues. I know that the therapies I described aren't everyone here and that's ok but feeling like I was really seen has helped the trust issues in every thing I do.

I really hope you can find a path and I'm not saying how I did it is the right or only way , but that it may be a path worth exploring.

Oh and I wanted to say that of course you have needs and of course sometimes they might be "messy" it's his job not to get activated everytime you have a need or an emotion. It's his job to help you explore those, it's not his job to try and "teach you" how you may affect people. I used to have very emotional outbursts that were very unpleasant to be around. When my wife and I would fight (married 11 years) sometimes I would get so scared I was looking up apartments to rent because I was sure this was it. Helping what was causing that rather than be caught up in it was something that saved me. I no longer have meltdowns, I no longer try and run.

Again not saying my way of therapy Is the right way because everyone is helped differently, just saying that you deserve a real shot at healing. I have told my current therapist I am quitting several times. I have told her she is untrustworthy and lies and never once has she had a response to those things. I told EMDR T that she was failing to help me and not once did she have a response that was centered on her feelings it was ALWAYS about wondering what was triggered or coming up that made me feel that way. Sorry I'm rambling now, I just feel like everyone deserves to have their feelings heard and healed as they need/want.